8:44 P.M.
I have to keep reminding myself of the positive things my grandfather used to tell me to make me feel better. I miss him a lot and even though he's long gone, he still has inspired me to accomplish great things. I was reminded once again of his guidance and inspiration at a training event I went to a week ago. His guidance has helped me face a lot of challenges.
He used to frequently remind me, "God has a plan".
His advice was once hard to follow but since he's been gone it's become even more difficult to remember when I most need to hear it.
My grandmother called last night and somehow she could tell I was stressed. I didn't discuss specifics of my frustrations, but she assured me that things would work out in the end no matter how frustrated I was feeling.
Today was just as frustrating...
Let's just say I was happy that I worked through my lunch hour earlier this week to help finish an important case. That extra hour allowed me to break away from the office early today when things slowed down again. I figure that if I would have stayed I probably would have gone crazy! One of the guys I work with just kept pushing my buttons.
Honestly, I'm so tired of being pushed around at work by people interfering with my job. It's not the first time so I guess I should be a little more used to it by now, but I can't help but get frustrated.
Things seemed to be going so well earlier this week and now I probably won't catch a wink of sleep or be able to relax for the entire weekend.
I feel as if I'm walking on eggshells all of a sudden and I don't know who to trust anymore. When someone tells me they are going to "help" me, I take their words at face value...That is my mistake. I do try.. Maybe I trust too easily?....... I mean, I trust EVERYONE, I just don't trust the devil inside them.
I love my job so much, but don't appreciate when others make it more difficult than it has to be.
Man....
It's been hours since I've left work and I'm still frustrated!
I can't shut my brain off and I feel so insulted. I sometimes wonder if my superiors even want me there? It's completely obvious that other people who have an effect on my job have taken things out of hand and I feel like I'm the only one stressing about our deadline. How can we be a team if we don't work together on this?
I want to make this work so badly and I'm willing to keep trying until it works. I have to keep reiterating the fact that ROME WASN'T BUILT IN A DAY, in the back of my mind. My grandfather once said the best things worth having are difficult to obtain but lately I feel like the struggles I'm facing are borderline ridiculous. It's as if I'm put through a rats' maze for the purpose to entertain others. For some time now I've started to feel more and more like a scapegoat and it feels like crap.
I don't feel like I have respect from others I work with and I don't think I've dealt with this feeling in any other job I've taken. I guess it bothers me most because I take my job so seriously and put forth so much effort and have a passion for the things I do.
It's difficult not second guessing intentions of those people around me. I took this job having a great respect for my boss, sincerely wanting to make things better for his business. With the lack of respect I get from the team lately, I don't know if I'm they believe I'm capable of doing that.
I try to focus on other things and be happy but today really got me stressed out.
In other news....
Medical bills have also started to pile up. My parents have been concerned that I haven't been back to see the neurologist since before my accident. Now that they know that my dads' condition is a mix of a head injury and his blood disorder they are concerned that my headaches are more serious. I'll put their worries to rest as soon as I can find a neurologist that will see me. Most of the doctors I've looked into have a waiting list of 4 months or longer.
Honestly, the headaches have been a lot worse. They are more intense that I have even lead on. I try to hide my pain as best I can but my concentration has been totally screwed more times that I can even count at this point. I stopped posting to my blog because when I look back at what I write it doesn't always make sense to me. I'm somewhat scared of waht the doctors may find. I even blacked out on the way home from work the other day and had to pull over to allow my migraine medication to take effect.
I should just make an appointment and hope that something comes along sooner.
I need to relax.
I need to stop stressing over the things I can't control!
Things will work themselves out.
God has a plan, I just wish I were more comfortable walking in my own shoes through my journey.
Tomorrow I'll have to remember to play the lottery; in hopes I can win and take a vacation for the holiday.
I'm so worked up that I can't even write out a complete thought, so I'm off to take a walk for a bit. Maybe a little exercise will help clear my head.
