8:37 P.M.
Here we go again...
I just want to go back to feeling FINE.
Damn.
It's not like I set the bar high since my cat walked out on me. The new guys probably never had a fighting chance, but I didn't expect to allow myself to get close to someone I tried so hard to avoid.
I'm bent out of shape since he completely cut me out of his life.
Again....
It's not the first time he's managed to delete my existence from memory and it totally breaks my heart just as much the 2nd or 3rd time around.
I make mistakes... I could have tried harder to avoid this one.
I feel like I'm burning brain cells spending so much time thinking about how much I have screwed up!
AGAIN!
Damit!
I need cheesecake..
I need Cherry's...
and Whip cream.
I could really go for a distraction right now.
I need my heart back. I need my head.
Last night I was up thinking until 4:21 a.m.
My heart is somewhere in his pocket and the rest of me is ready to dive off this cliff.
I want a glass of wine...
Or a bottle...
yet I value my clear head because it's the only tool I could bring to the table right now.
I would really like a nice meal... Something more than another box of mac-n-cheese but I don't want to leave because I might have to talk to other people, or pretend that I'm doing great.
He's probably enjoying this...
Benadryl, Tylenol PM, and some Nyquil sound so very great right now. I need some sleep. I need to rest my mind.
I keep waking up in the middle of the night just to eat..
I stuff my face with random meals of mac-n-cheese or frozen t.v. dinners.
I've been fighting to become something I'm not. I've been trying to morph into some kind of mainstream, more agreeable type of girl to appeal to the masses..
I can't let my guard down to try to enjoy the suggestions of others without regreting it. Guilty pleasures are overrated because the concequence is just not worth it. I have sadly found that you can not become what thrills you, without letting it define you...because you can't always control how others perceive you.
Thinking back...
Although I was unique and unobtainable, at least I was still accepted.
In the past...
I was just fine...
I wish I could understand what suddenly changed the kindness that once filled his heart. Maybe it's his cigarette smoke clouding his judgement.
Trying to make sense of this nonsense is making me feel nuts...
