8:36 P.M.
I can�t explain why I�ve always been so comfortable around him. Maybe it was his quick witt or his funny sense of humor that reeled me in to this invisible comfort zone.
I felt so selfish just being around him for the longest time. My mind would wonder onto other things when we would be out, and it wasn�t fair to him. I would call him to get me out of the house, and we�d do things like see movies, or go to the beach.
I never looked over my shoulder to see if he was checking out my butt because it would NEVER happen.
Although he told me he was in to me, I doubted it more than I believed it. We didn�t like the same kinds of music and he was always more open-minded than me when it came to trying new foods or trusting strangers.
In contrast, I was more open minded about faith, and things that couldn�t always be proved right or wrong by science.
Those were beliefs that people don�t often change, and he was far more bitter about the subject than anyone I had ever met, but I never wanted to change him or sway his opinions.
I have too much to improve about myself before I start judging people.
And trust....has, and always will be difficult for me.
I'm sure he doesn't struggle with this as badly as I do.
The more I find to like about someone, the less I want to trust in our relationship because I become so scared of losing it.
And I know... I know he talks...
I would rather have someone approach me if they have a problem with me instead of asking some total stranger about a hypothetical situation that somehow involved ME.
So I guess it was better that he cut me off when he did.
I had originally made the decision NOT to hook up with him.
I never meant for things to get too heavy, or for him to feel overloaded.
I knew eventually there would be a confrontation about getting physical. I avoided making it an issue.
Now I�m scared to death of what he must think of me right now.
He doesn�t return my calls, or my emails, but I read some of the notes from his friends that mention that he festers some sort of deep regret.
What I should really be thinking is, �NO REGRETS�.
I�m NOTHING like the other girls from his past.
This is completely different; and the opinions from people about me, from people who have never FUCKING met me� it should mean nothing.
I'm just a hypothetical to those strangers at the party, but to him... To him, I had a fucking face and a name.
I don�t even know what I�m trying to say anymore.
Saying ANYTHING at this point feels better than locking it all up inside.
p.s. I finally parted with that stupid letter he wrote me so long ago. I ripped it up into a million little pieces and threw it out with the rest of the garbage any other guy has ever fed me. I don't even know why I kept it after all this time....
I need to refocus and get back to the gym as soon as I�m up and kicking again.
My throat is fucking KILLIN me! I can't swallow without cringing, and just breathing at this point hurts. But... I�ve decided to get back to work tomorrow whether I�m better or not. Yvette keeps calling me asking me questions that I would probably go to my boss for anyway. I feel so useless here, sleeping all day, and doing much of nothing else.
