8:50 P.M.
THE CRUST
Let me start off by saying, "I think eating the crust is a personal choice that isn't always influenced by societies health nuts."
Let's get to THE CRUST already....
I have to say I�m agitated right now.
I had an argument the other day with a stranger that is still bothering me. They made the analogy that I would end up with the �crust� because I had made it to a point where I was no longer �over picky� about men.
�As a child you were always told to eat the crust on your PB&J. You often fought it tooth and nail, but you got it done because you knew that somehow the crust was probably better for you than you were ready to admit.�
I cleared my throat in an overly obnoxious manner and they continued on,
�Now you are old enough to make your own decisions. You could have ANY man you want. I�ve watched you eat your sandwiches and toss the crust to the side for so long. THAT is the reason you end up alone with 4 cats!�
I got to thinking, how does not eating my 'crust' lead to living alone with 4 cats?
I HATE CATS!!!
And looking back, the last relationship I had WAS the epitome of �the crust� you speak of.
I don�t have a pile of crust sitting around waiting for me to eat it.
For years on end, I fought my interest in the big cat; openly hoping that he would just go away, but I knew deep down that from the way my friends received him so well, that he would probably be the best thing that ever happened for me.
It kills me to think that I was wrong.
The other night when I was out with Lauren I wanted to puke right there at the table!
It ate me up inside the other night when Lauren mentioned to Gary how my ex had gone all-out for my 25th birthday.
�You should have seen the limo...... man! WOW!�
The thought of mister cats *blind* generosity literally made me want to puke. Her words made me sad, and mad and I felt I had a rush of emotion wash over me.
Mister cat had put me up on this pedestal, just to push me off of it, and then he wondered how the hell I got so spoiled in the first place.
I suddenly realized that over the past few weeks I HAVE leaned more towards �the crust� in my life.
I�ve tried to see some guys from my past, who have done outstanding things for me, and I�ve allowed myself to see beyond the initial fears I associated with them.
I�ve also taken a step in the wrong direction and been on dates with smokers, cheaters, drinkers, partiers, liars, guys who are too smart for a 'simple girl' like me, and guys who don�t even know who they are. How the hell would they know who I am, if they don�t know themselves?
On a different level�.
Last night I received a compliment from a good friend and wanted to believe what he was saying, but then I couldn�t help but think back to how it used to be.... and I wondered if he really meant what he was saying?
Could he mean what he was saying? Was he secretly regretting coming to see me?
Because he did touch on the subject of giving me a love note years, and years, ago and he still sounded jaded about the subject.
I never claimed to be Helen Keller. Then again I didn't believe he liked me either. He spent so much time making fun of me, and making me feel like shit that it was difficult to believe he could actually have any feelings for me. I rationalized his feelings and figured that he was more likely feeling sorry for me, than feeling love for me. I just shrugged him off and hoped his feelings of love, or bitterness, would fade away and we could be friends forever.
I struggled with my own feelings for him when he left.... but tried my hardest to regret nothing. I wanted to be a 'big girl' and grow up. Back then, I was too scared to lose him, but ended up losing him anyway.
Moral of the story�. You Lose!
I feel there is nothing I can do to fuck this up any more than I have...
My buddy still seems bitter as he mentioned that we would NEVER have hope for another relationship...
(HUGE SURPRISE)
With as much bitterness as he holds, why not share some with me right?
I feel like I'm right back in Corey's garage again.... listening to my friend recite angry poetry at me after I sprained my ankle, "Kelly, Kelly is louder than fuck! With that messed up knee, she walks like a duck!"
All I thought I ever wanted from him was to be a Cindy, or an April, in his eyes, so he could write happier words about me someday.....
so�. I can only imagine what he would write about me now.
All the talk� All this thinking�.
It really means NOTHING at all.
To anyone.
Why bother?
So what�s the point?
I have no point.
I�m rambling.
I had a good time last night.
Part of me honestly never felt more satisfied than I did late last night.
Like a big girl... I took my sammmmich!
Like a 'big girl'..... Crust and all...
I was a big girl.... so sad, so small.
I'm a big girl... but he never called.....
(I guess I can still smile, as I promised once again to walk away and bare no regrets.)
