10:33 P.M.
It�s difficult losing someone close to you, especially when they knew you before you had any success in your life.
I ran into him during a period of post success, after I had left the dental office to go back to school. There was a period there where I just needed to let go of the money and nice things to find myself. While I was in school we waited tables together at a nice restaurant and when we were working together, secretly, it broke my heart that we couldn�t actually �be together� as a couple. I put up any front that I could come up with to keep myself from falling for him. At times, I even tried to tell myself and others that there were always other guys� but I was never very good at pulling that off.
He was the first man that I truly let close to my heart. He knew my inner workings like none other and was my strength when I felt I was crumbling at the seems.
He was also my honesty at times, as he made me see the big picture when I would freak out over something petty.
I trusted him more than family and shared far too much when it dragged him down....yet, at times not enough.
He grounded me because he knew me at my best, my worst and worst of all, when I was most confused in my life.
I have run those ideas around, and around in my head since the split, but never really discussed them with anyone openly.
I think that I might have clung so hard to him because he really was the last person I had that knew me when I truly struggled to find myself. I became comfortable enough around him to try to do better, and bring him along.
I never thought too much about the challenges he was facing, because I was so sure I could always take care of him if needed. I wanted to be there for him and be needed, but I think that at times I wanted so badly to be needed that I appeared to have lost the need for him.
After my surgery, he was there for me to take care of me and things seemed so much better between us when he felt needed.
Once I regained my strength, the distance grew and he started to move on before we even parted ways.
Now, I find myself struggling once again to meet the challenge of dating new people.
I can�t help but think in the back of my mind, �This guy is NOT going to want me once he gets to know the real me.�
Most of the guys that I�ve met just see the car, the nice place, a happy face and stability. They only see what I have grown to become today.
I don�t discount their own struggles, because I�m sure they�ve been through just as much, but I hate going through the process of having to get to know someone all over again.
Sometimes I just fear that the end result will be more disappointment.
These new guys have no idea who I was 5 years ago. They have no clue what I went through almost losing my dad and how that shaped the person I have turned out to be and that scares me. It�s as if all of a sudden I have to skip steps, just to fill a void that can only be patched and never completely full.
I hate learning to sleep alone again, but a bigger part of me doesn�t want to learn to sleep with someone new. I remember how long it took me to just sleep through the night with him under the same roof. I was so afraid I would twitch, talk, or worse, fart in my sleep.
I think most importantly what I have learned the past few months is that, when I do find that �mister wonderful� I will be sure to remind him of how much I need him and love him every day of my life.
