5:23 P.M.
I caught up with a close friend who called me out of the blue as soon as he heard I was single again...
We got to talking and he confronted me with some harsh criticism and advice.
There are things we discussed that are plain common sense but hearing them again started to make me feel a little better. I know that relationships take a lot of work. I feel that I put in my fair share, but also didn�t expect much from Kitty at the end. Communication between the two of us stunk at times because he just didn't want me around. There were a few times I would try to talk to him and he would just ignore me. I would have to get on my computer and send him an instant message if I wanted to say something simple like, "hey bud, watcha doin for din-din" And in the cases where I would have to IM him to get his attention, he claimed he was far too busy to eat dinner. I still don't understand how you can live under the same roof, and you have to communicate through email instead of talking to someone face to face.
Honestly, I won't miss that part of our relationship.
I just accepted that he couldn�t give me 100%. I was happy with 30%, as long as he still seemed to be happy with me.
Boy was I naive to believe he was happy. Just because a guy can have sex with you, or do nice things for you, apparently doesn�t mean he�s happy anymore.
That point is something that I will have to work on a bit. I think that it has added another insecurity to my tool belt of idiosyncrasies.
There is one basic point that my buddy made that truly �hit home�. It made more sense than any of the other unsolicited advice I�ve been receiving lately.
He pointed out that "You ARE What You Love, NOT What Loves You", and the simple truth is that he is right. My friends as good as they may be, never confronted me with this simple fact. They saw me consume myself in this relationship, where I totally lost my self in search of Kitty. I desperately wanted it to work out with him, after so many failed relationships in the past. I even found myself trying new things that I would never on normal circumstances subject myself to.
Looking back though I don't regret it. I think everyone should try something new every now and then. I even think that doing something that scares you can be a good thing. There were fears that I faced while dating Kitty and I can't say that in itself is a bad thing.
We did have a lot of great times, whether he wants to believe that or not.
The fact that we both had busy careers just didn't make it easy to relax when we did get together. There was a lot of pressure to do something fun, or relaxing but I would have been happy just sitting on the couch watching The Soprano's and eating canolli's.
I can't even agree that sticking it out was a bad thing. On most days, he truly made me very happy. I may have changed many times in an effort to make myself more bearable in his eyes, but I don't regret that. I think that I was able to face some harsh realities about myself after living with another person. I feel that in a sense, I did grow having had that relationship.
I do however feel that I don't want to give myself, or live with another man unless we are engaged to get married.
There is just too much risk involved with putting my heart out on my sleeve. The pain associated with the rejection that comes after sharing so much with another person is like nothing I can explain. So many things in my life have taken a back burner to the pain and I can't wait for the day when I can wake up and just be completely content and comfortable again.
Kitty says that breaking up is just a fact of life, and that I will get over it. I'm sure that I will.
I'm also glad that I have friends who can tell me their point of view after being a witness to bits and pieces. They were always on the outside, looking in at something that I just never discussed with them.
My lack of communication was another point of interest in our conversation this weekend. My buddy pointed out that my insecurities about going to others to help deal with my problems is only going to land me alone with 10 cats at age 50. He said I need to discuss my issues that I'm facing, the struggles I come across with the person who is closest to me. Bottling it all up inside just changes me into a person that is difficult to deal with. It makes me bitter and sometimes even insecure.
I'm so thankful to have my friends..... As soon as I start feeling sorry for myself, they give it to me straight and send me back to the drawing board!
