3:44 P.M.
These past few weeks have continued to be a series of pep talks to myself.
"Walk the line..
Walk the line and you'll pull through. Set your goals and keep the blinders on until you reach them. Get away from the people who make you feel worthless!"
Things have been so damn crazy these past few weeks and the days start to become mashed together.
I don't feel as vulnerable at this moment, but still confused as all hell.
I have some control over my situation now but know that once I move forward a lot will have to change.
I have to schedule my insurance test this week and find the time to study and finish my CAA class and test by the end of June.
Change never comes easy for me but I was always told, "What�s worth keeping never comes easy." I honestly hope these changes bring more happiness in my near future.
I realize I should take all of this negative energy around me and refocus it. So, I won't be canceling the gym membership right away.
I've also decided to get rid of anything reminding me of my last relationship. It was the longest by far and I'm sure I won't need photographs or keepsakes to remind me of whatever it was I found there?
If I'm going to move on, I'm not going to allow myself to look back in regret. I'm certainly not going to hope and pray for something to thrive long after it is dead. I have let other failed relationships hold me back in past and it may have kept me from finding true happiness. It took me long enough to commit to this last relationship, and now that I know it's possible to find love, I shouldn't let the idea of 'love lost' hold me back.
Kitty has stated he's lost 'that loving feeling' many times in the past few months, so why wait? I've told him how I feel about him, and he couldn't care less. He�s become colder than polar bears� toe nails.
The horse is dead and I'm not sticking around to beat it with a stick. I'm tired of waking up in the morning and wanting to puke at the idea of having a dead horse hanging out in my apartment.
It's kinda ironic. Just the other night Kitty was playing THE GODFATHER video game, and left a dead horse in someone else�s bed. I chuckled out loud as I thought to myself; at least this horse (our relationship) won't be in MY bed much longer.
I'm actually considering buying a different, much smaller bed for my size.
Every time he and I get together with a group, I see the way his friends look at me as if they feel sorry for me. As if I was the last to know.. I feel like I'm being kept in the dark about certain things and it used to make me want to leave in the middle of the night and never speak to any of them again.
Maybe this was all just another game to him? The more time that goes by, the more I wonder if we ever really had anything. I mean, how can someone be so hot and cold? How can you lose something you never had right?
I know what needs to be done. I know what these drastic changes will bring, and I'd like to say I'll be happy in the end. It's just that lately,.. I've felt lost walking in a straight line.
I feel stupid for ever letting myself get attached to something that he say's has been dead for 10 months.
That very thought has me totally bent out of shape.
I wish I would have never met him. I wish there was a procedure I could get like the one Jim Carey gets in "Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind". I would give anything to erase his existence from my memory.
How can you walk a straight line in the dark wondering if at the end of the road there might be a cliff to fall off?
