8:33 A.M.
Last night Kitty and I got into a deep discussion titled,
�Well Kelly�. What DO you want?�
What do you want from life� Your Job� Your future� Where are you today?
To be honest, my head is stuffed in a pillow sleeping. I�ve been living my life like I have no effect on anything. I�ve become a sad creature of habit.
Moo had asked me the same questions about my goals the other night when I mentioned my frustration about things I had no control over.
At times I even get frustrated when Kitty doesn�t follow through with what he says he�ll do, and then he blames the other priorities in his life that are going to lead him to his own eternal happiness.
But moo had a fresh perspective. She asked me to focus on the things I can control, and think about becoming something or doing something that meant more to me than sitting in front of a desk pushing pencils all day long.
I guess my letter to T yesterday also made me realize a lot more has changed in my life and I hadn�t noticed. I guess I haven�t been all that happy and �my life choices� wasn�t something I wanted to think about.
A few years ago, I was only committed to this place for a few months. I figured it was a temporary thing. I would just come in here and add some organization to the way others did things around here. I�ve added my piece, expressed my ideas and created some great things for this company, but often wonder why I feel like the only person who has no control over situations that have come to pass making me look bad. I�ve been so frustrated that I can�t see myself out of the hole I�ve let myself fall into.
I�ve been in a serious funk and wonder if the temporary happiness was genuine or just a temporary fix to my frustration. My own actions feel forced from feelings of empathy and brought by my own entrapment.
My words are often twisted, and sometimes even spoken only to appease.
�Smile and wave� Smile and wave��
I used to get out of bed and want to come to work.
Lately, I don�t want to get out of bed, even on the weekends!
I didn�t sleep much last night I couldn�t turn my brain off.
I'll be damned if someone is going to get the best of me, and just throw it all away...
I'm forced to face that the pain I feel is real.
T�s comment stumped me. I couldn�t keep it from cycling over and over through my mind.
�I say this honestly with out sarcasm, I hope you've found your movie star.�
I know what the comment is based on. He came right out and told me.
�I read your diary about how the guys you hang out with "don�t have any mystery to uncover, no diamond to reveal below the coal. They aren�t singers, actors, or inspiring.
They are happy with what they have and don�t seem to have much ambition.�
I want ambition, I want inspiration!
But the truth is, I can�t rely on some actor, musician or artist to bring me my inspiration like a cup of coffee every morning.
I need to figure out what will make me happy, so I can drive more inspiration on my own.
This weekend is the perfect time to make a list of goals and a timeline to meet them by.
I can�t wait to get down to the beach and listen to the newer Foo Fighters CD, to clear my head and plan this all out.
*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*
"Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
...."-Foo Fighters.
