8:38 P.M.
Still waiting...?
That�s great &$#%!
You read my diary.........
�Good for you! You have the upper hand!�
Is that what you wanted to hear?
But just remember, any mention of your name in my journal entries was always positive. Whether you want to believe it or not, at one point in my life you were at times my only inspiration. In hard times, YOU were my rock, my only support system. You helped me through a lot and helped me realize that I am only HALF crazy.
We had a great friendship... with shifting boundaries at times, but I had no regrets and through it all you always had a place in my life.
I'm not sure what the hell happened?
Maybe you needed something more BLACK AND WHITE, when all I offered was something in a shade of Grey?
Reading your email I figure that you have a bone to pick with my issues?
I won't deny that I have issues. We all do.
You also claim that I carelessly categorize you with the type friends I only see once in a while to grab dinner or go to the beach.
Where are those friends anyway?
I make mention of my friends and the guys I have dated my journal, but you were never "one of my friends that I just go to dinner with".
I admit, Some meetings with acquaintances are just habitual and the obvious context of those meetings are very "BLACK AND WHITE". The friends that were just "dinner partners" knew for certain that they were only "dinner partners" because we ONLY WENT TO DINNER ON OCCASION for the sake of having the company!!!!
I could give you an example of a guy I know. We go to dinner to talk about things that he knows.... things I know nothing about, and I don't ask anyone else about those things. I see him maybe every 3 months. He�s actually helped me try to get my finances together with methods that were once foreign to me. We go to dinner and we talk about our finance. Not all that interesting� and the conversation usually doesn't drift far from the subject of �MONEY�.
In our exchange of ideas, there were never any real emotions exchanged, just questions, followed by answers that are usually..How would he put it?..
"JUST THE FACTS KELLY, JUST-THE-FACTS!"
Maybe I should let him read my diary too?
I admit, there was probably a time where I wasn�t fair to him because I was never into him romantically and he probably wanted to date me but things didn't work out that way and we still talk every once in a while.
Other people in my "DINNER PARTNER" category may include people I had worked with in the past. Just think, you work together with someone and develop a habit of being around one another. You continue to meet up from time to time for dinner, to talk about old times and catch up with each other. It's just THAT! At one point or another you drift apart because you don�t really have much in common.
FUCK!
You should know better.... We�ve been friends for a long time! I mean come the fuck on, you and I hardly EVER went out to dinner.
WE TALKED EVERY GOD DAMNED DAY!!
If anything, you were the person I could just hang out with and I could be comfortable as myself around you. We talked�.. We talked a lot, but I guess you feel we just didn't communicate? Maybe I should have said all of this sooner?
I am sorry for this, because I feel like I have totally wasted your time. Your reaction to my honest offer of friendship made me feel like shit. You make me feel like I am some kind of cruel, heartless, raging bitch.
And SHIT!
I felt that our conversation meant a hell of a lot more than just AN EXCHANGE OF HOT AIR!
I guess I should just come out and ask..., WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU WANT FROM ME?
You�ve proved that you don�t even need me around. I have repedidly tried to get a hold of you with no reply until now from you.
Now you say you notice I have settled for something less than perfect, and you wish me well.
Well fuck!
I look at you and you have always gone forward with what you believe will make you happy, and I've often wondered what separates your determination and drive. You used to inspire me...
I look at myself at times and I'm not sure if I'm as happy, I just know that I am content at times.
Over time I have conformed to a lifestyle that does NOT fit my own expectations, dreams or wishes, of what I thought I could become but my job pays the bills.
I fly by the seat of my pants and don't know where the future leads.
I admit that I have become someone completely different from the person I was a few years ago. I�m completely different at work, than what I am around you.
But I was comfortable around you.
I trusted you with all of my secrets and never made mention of my faults the way I do in my diary, but I figured you being so close to me you already knew how screwed I really was.
SHIT, you were quick to remind me how screwed up I was every chance you got!! You told me I had commitment issues that kept me from finding my own happiness. You might as well have come out and said, "KELLY YOU ARE A RELATIONSHIP LEPER!!"
But NO... I�d like to think I have grown.
At the time, I took your criticism as constructive criticism, and not that you were bitter about the way I acted. I tried to work on my own insecurities with the guys I dated, but things just didn't end up working out, and you are still reminding me of my faults.
And a response to you about my friendships...
I guess I was just too comfortable with the idea that no matter what, you would still be there...
That is selfish for me to feel that way and I am sorry.
I make mention of the mundane guys I date in my diary. So what?!?!? You've always had some girl to talk about with me, and I'm happy for you. Matter of fact, I�m always interested to hear about it because you seem happier in a relationship. We used to talk about everything! That's what friends do.
I'm more pleased when you tell me that the girl you are with completes you, but don't feel I could ever step in and fill that gap if it didn't work out in the end.
And FUCK!
Perfection?!?!?!?
You are quick to jog my memory that I wanted a poet, a musician...... or even an actor who could inspire and motivate me.
It's hard to believe anyone with that type of mystery would even find me attractive. Maybe I only want them because they are so completely elusive? Shit! And when it comes to being happy� Who knows if I will ever be happy?
I'm living with a guy now and I am trying to keep things together. I'm happy, but once again reminded of your criticism and how you said that I expect things to be "too perfect". I know now that no one is perfect, and I feel that I need to prove that I can hold my current relationship together. Through all of the shitty news I've had this past year, I know one thing for sure. We all die at some time, some of us just go sooner than others and I don't want to die alone.
I'd like to surround myself with good people and believe that someday I could just "get happy", if I can please those around me.
And on occasion I even miss your smile� your giggle in response to my jokes, or comments that only YOU understood.
I can't say that I've gotten used to the fact that you've written me off, but I understand now. I'd like to tell you that you mean more to me than just "a dinner partner" but you've already worked yourself up to believe what ever doubts you have lingering in the back of your mind.
I'm sorry for what ever confusion I have brought into your life, and that I couldn't have been more BLACK AND WHITE.
I'm sorry I couldn't have been something more....
I hope you find what you were looking for....
