10:31 P.M.
It�s a mystery to me because I never watched a single episode of AMERICAN IDOL, yet I�ve found a new inspiration in a cd I would have never bought for myself.
Kelly Clarkson� I have circulated her music in a regular rotation on my cd player.
I had developed an interest for her music back when I found one of her songs on the soundtrack for the flick, LOVE ACTUALLY.
As I listened to her newer album there was a point where I actually had a few tears gather in my eyes..
She sings,
�I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I�ve learned the hard way
To never let it get that far
Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don�t get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you I am afraid
I lose my way
And it�s not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that�s weakness in your eyes
I�m forced to fake
A smile, a laugh, every day of my life
My heart can�t possibly break
When it wasn�t even whole to start with
I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing
Because of you
Because of you
Because of you I am afraid
Because of you I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you I learned to play on the safe side so I don�t get hurt
Because of you I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don�t know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I�m ashamed of my life because it�s empty
Because of you I am afraid
Because of you� �Kelly Clarkson
After hearing her sing her heart out and talking to the red neck asshole again for the first time in years, I found the inspiration I needed to write my own feelings down about a few things.
After reading what I wrote, my feelings actually scared me.
I wanted to crawl up in bed, or take a hot bath and cry my eyes out.
The things I wrote down made me question if I will ever be truly happy.
I recently found a substitute for happiness in conversations with Missy and the red neck a$$hole, yet I still have issues.
His comedy only comes as a front for him. It�s just a fa�ade. It seems that once he notices he�s built me up and made me laugh, he feels the need to tear me down again.
Missy lives so far away and we hardly have a chance to talk.
I miss the connection I used to have with my friends.
I�ve been shadow boxing for days, so frustrated with where I stand in my life.
I feel like I�m getting nowhere, as if I were trying to nail Jell-O to the wall. I just wish I had a mentor who was inspiring, and motivated enough to point me in the right direction.
