8:50 P.M.
Lately I find it almost comforting to stress about silly things....
Silly things like,
"Hey, don't be mad at me for coming back 10 minutes late after lunch. I was here 20 minutes early and stayed until 5:40."
"Medical Bills Suck!"
"Is he looking at me?"
"Is she judging me?"
Ok, maybe I don't care so much about the judging that comes from strangers...
Maybe I should be more concerned about such petty things?........ because you never have a 2nd chance to make a 1st impression. What if I am only remembered by those who only crossed paths with me once? What would they see?
My little stresses are my own...
At least they provide a brief distraction from my own mortality.
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I've heard so much about the darkness that eats some women whole....
It eats away my consciousness then friends act like they really know,
Running from the truth, while the closest ones almost see behind the facade I put on for show....
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I didn't make the decision to get help alone...
The other night Amy and I were chatting and I pretty much, came out and told her about my condition.
She reminded me that there is help. There is treatment for my condition.... Not EVERYONE dies from this. You just have to diagnose it properly so it can be treated. The conversation we had made me feel selfish for ignoring the problem. I care so much for my friends, and would feel sad if they didn't do something to help themself if they could....
Maybe it's the chain of events these past few weeks that have allowed me to deal....
Troy's devistating loss of a few women in his family.
Dave's loss of his mother...
The close call when I almost lost my dad....
And most shockingly, Amy's friend who won the battle with cancer in her brain....
One thing I don't waste much time on is regret...
You only live once...
Make the best of it......
I don't want to look back on my life and think, "shoulda, coulda, woulda."
Two weeks from today, I'll know more about what the future brings....
Maybe my condition has improved on it's own?
Throughout the last few years, I have seen a lot.
My faith just won't let me discount the possibility of miracles...
There is a slim chance that the initial test results were BUNK!
There is plenty to fear....
I'm not sure that I fear death, so much as the medical bills down the road....
