9:17 P.M.
Last night I watched "Love Actually" and it left me absolutely stunned.
I haven't had a movie make me think so deeply in some time.
My eyes are all puffy, and it's been 24 hours. I should be sleeping, but I can't relax.
There is this struggle of intent whirling about within my insides.
I want to jump on the next flight out of here and let my inhibitions fall like 3 sheets to the wind.
I want to pack a lunch and take a road trip.
All of this pent up frustration comes from a situation that once again, I have no control over.
Every time I take a vacation, I return home to find that I have left my heart wherever it was that I let my inhibitions go.
The truth of the matter is, I'm screwed.
I mean honestly, would I be into Jo-Jo if he lived here? Would I want him to call if he lived just 3 doors down?
Would I be able to control my spoken words in a situation where he approached me questioning my motives and my feelings?
God, I don't know what I feel?
I just know I want to run away to an island. I want to fall asleep and wake up to his face, his warm smile and his eyes that take me away....
This feeling of hopelessness is making me weak.
I am a control FREAK, and I have lost control.
I�m tired of questioning my lack of expressed affection in this matter. I would like to wake up tomorrow morning and be assured that this one is NOT �The One� and that I am not missing out on anything.
It's a similar feeling to when you get in an argument where you struggle a whole lot but STILL walk away a total loser in the end.
I feel empty. It's almost as if my insides are being bullied and there is nothing I can do about it.
Right.... My heart is emotionally bullied.... If that's even possible.....
