12:21 A.M.
Marry buzzed my phone, �Kelly you have a call on line one. He wanted to talk to Kaleb but Kaleb is out to lunch.�
I picked up the phone and the man sounded ill at ease.
He started naming agents that I was not familiar with and half way though his speech I stopped listening because I knew for a fact this was something Kaleb was going to have to handle.
When he stopped explaining his situation I told him that I was sorry that I couldn�t help him, but I would have Kaleb return his call as soon as he came in from lunch.
The man was silent.
I spoke up again, �Sir, can I have him call you when he gets in?�
He snapped back at me with an attitude.
�Well Kelly, what is it exactly that you DO do?�
I was caught off guard.
�Well,�..�
I choked on air.
He spoke at me again when I couldn�t find my composure.
�Fine. Have him call, and if I don�t talk to you again this week have a happy new year.�
I hung up the phone and I was still stunned.
I thought to myself, �I should have never answered that phone
I was on lunch break.
I don�t deserve this crap.
Who the hell was that guy?�
I surfed the net trying to find familiarity in the columns I like to read.
Of all the personal columns (Diaries) I love to read the majority of them do not update every day. I am lucky if I catch a column once a week.
I admit that I am as addicted to reading up on their trials and tribulations as I once was to that silly teenage soap opera, �Dawson�s River Kids.�
What can I say? It filled a void.
I guess when you have something good to say it only comes every once in a while, and that is why I write so much.
Conclusion drawn: I�ve written so much, yet I�ve had very little to say lately.
The fear of not writing keeps me writing at all times. I am constantly afraid of losing the appreciation for being able to write about the things I am still able to express.
What if my communications withers away to nothing?
What if one morning I wake up thinking I said exactly what I meant, and I can no longer speak or write?
Mad Cow Disease Scare?
No.
I watched �Identity� tonight and it made me question for just one moment why I gave up on my psychology major in college.
The analytical person deep inside of me has not yet decayed into an oblivion of nothingness.
Maybe I�ve just lost hope in the rehabilitation system. Maybe there is no fix for the broken?
Whether it be broken heart or broken moral I have never been very good at assisting others through chaos and disaster.
Matter of fact, I may be the worlds worst person to appease the ego of another human being.
I�ve done, and seen so much but there are still so many places I have not been.
I wonder what keeps me from achieving the goals that I so rarely set and maybe it can be blamed on simple fear.
It�s the same fear that keeps me from appeasing someone else�s bruised ego.
Commitment to one specific goal becomes a pledge, which soon turns to obligation.
I hate obligations.
Maybe I'm just lazy and I don't want to deal with conflict that poses as some form of immediate danger?
Even though I care when I read up on his broken heart sorrows I do not appease. I know for certain that I could never promise him what he deserves so I keep my fair distance. By appeasing his ego I only express my will to stick around for the long run. I have never been one to stick around.
My head is turned more often that I would like to admit. My heart usually follows the desires of my head, and my head never shares the same reciprocal respect with my heart.
It seems so easy for others to say, �Go ahead, follow your heart.�
I guess I analyze my heart with my head because it is what my brain loves to do.
My brain must get a rush from punishing my heart?
Psychology is for crazies!
It drove me for a small sense of time. I analyze things much too deeply at times and it only leads to a road of mass destruction.
It�s this secret lamo philosophy I have. If I can�t figure it out, I leave it behind and I do my best not to look back.
It�s the looking back that gets me in trouble.
I must be lying to myself when I say I will never look back.
It is so easy to pick up and move on, but never easy to resist the temptation of looking back.
This is the time of year that it is respectable to look back. It is the time to evaluate the things accomplished and let go of the things you do not have the power to change.
It is the lack of control over changing things that drives some to do great things, but lately it�s been driving me mad.
I sat in the office today totally confused.
I was flustered. It wasn't the fist time this week, but I'm hoping it's the last time this year.
Let's wrap this thing up already....
Stick a fork in me.
I'm done.
I'm done analyzing for the night.
I need one of those "Shake Your Ass" clubs to get life off my mind....
I should have never answered the phone because from that moment on my brain has been working in over drive.
There are things all around me that I cannot change and I should deal with it, but instead I move on.
No turning back�.
When the silly go crazy who is able to diagnose between the two.
Where does one draw the line?
The blind can�t lead the blind�. No
But only the crazy can understand the silly.
It�s hours later and I still find myself questioning myself in the back of my mind, �What is it that you DO do?�
and shouldn't that man have phrased it better. I'm sure he could have just as easily said, "What is it that you CAN do to help me?"
Then he wouldn't sound like such an ass....
Maybe it was just his ass face that got me flustered in the first place?
Hell, it's the end of the year.
Let go of the things you can not change, and hope your heart may soon comprehend the things that your head doesn't want to deal with .....
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Easier said than done....
