1:03 P.M.
The holiday season is a time to enjoy family dinners, office parties, and get-togethers with friends. Festive drinks and tasty punches often contribute to the holiday revelry, so here are some tips to help you celebrate sensibly:
If you are a woman, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol. If you are a man, remember: Women are more sensitive to the effects of alcohol.
* Always drink from the bottle labeled "XXX." The bottle with the skull-and-crossbones on the front is poison.
* Drinking alone is a telltale sign that you know better than to put up with anybody's bullshit.
* Drinking more than seven nights a week is not just irresponsible,it's impossible.
* If someone you know is too drunk to drive, demand that he let you have his car keys. If he refuses, pull out a gun and demand the car keys again. This also works with people who are not drunk, and whom you do not know.
* Never drink with Tyler Schneeklov.
* While standing in the middle of the road at 3 a.m. yelling expletives at your ex-girlfriend, wear light-colored clothing so motorists can see you.
* Once you get married and have kids, stop drinking tons of whiskey and switch to drinking tons of wine.
* Always re-cap your flask between swigs. This lengthens the amount of time between drinks.
* Don't mix alcohol with stereotypes. If you are Irish, drink rum. If you are a pirate, drink whiskey.
* Don't drink and drive. Disregard this if you happen to be one of those people who drive better drunk.
* If you suddenly find yourself impaired by alcohol, prevent any social awkwardness by informing all those present that you profoundly love them, and that you never get this drunk.
* Never use alcohol to escape feelings of failure and loneliness. Use Vicodin.
* Before heading out to the office holiday party, tape a handcuff key to the inside of your watchband. Just trust us on this one.
