8:53 P.M.
I've spent a lot of time praying for miracles.....
I remember a while back I was struggling with one of the toughest decisions I have had to make in my life.
I know life is about sacrifices.... But no one said it was going to be so damn hard.
I had to turn my back on the things I had held so close to me for so long...
Things change....
People change...
And you have to change with the times.
I prayed that my friends would change for the better, but they dug themselves further and further into the depths of the ground.
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I did spend a lot of time thinking of long lost friends and love this past Thanksgiving.
I met up with Missy one night and we discussed how much has changed since we were growing up, and how other things have managed to stay the same.
Me, I'm 24 years old, and only NOW has it become a reality that I will be moving out very soon.
Missy has been on her own for quite some time now. She left high school early to peruse her dreams of an engineering degree at Georgia tech.
She had to pick up and leave everything and everyone she had come to know in order to achieve her goals. She had to attend her senior year of high school with strangers in a small Georgia town in order to receive "In-state-tuition."
I'm sure that her great sacrifice was worth it in the end but she turned her back to move forward. I've always looked up to her for her strength and sacrifices.
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Then there was me.
After high school was over, I stayed here in this small town. I stayed with the only friends I had known. I put faith in my friends who had helped me through hard times in the past. I dwelled on the past and it became my present. Only when my present went down hill did I fear for my future....
One of my best friends in particular slowly went crazy. Her inability to deal with reality lead me to study psychology. I wanted to attempt to help her. I saw how much she struggled with drugs and alcohol and it broke my heart. She became a totally different person after we graduated. Her life was turned into a sad snowball effect. I watched her throw her life away spending her last dime on drugs, and how she was so willing to lie and steal from the people who had taken care of her throughout her life.
It saddened me to watch her.
I tried....
I tried so hard...
I prayed...
And nothing. There was no change in her behavior.
After she threatened my security I had to move on...
The chain of events that lead up to our final goodbye are somewhat hazy, but I'm pretty sure that reading "The Stranger", by Camus gave me my final sign to let go.
After spending nights talking to cops trying to save my friend, trying to bail her out, I realized that she wasn't going to change.
Nothing was going to change.
She wasn't changing, only giving the same excuses as to why she would not change.
I found myself working harder to get things on my own, only to watch those things threatened by the behavior of my friends.
I would watch my drunk friend puke in my car.
I would watch her burn holes in my car seats after I begged her not to smoke in the car.
We would go to a club together and she would leave with some strange guy she had known for 20 minutes, without telling me until 6 hours later.
6 hours is a long time to worry about one of your closest friends.....
Ever time we hung out it was the same story. She got drunk and out of control.
I would drop her off at her house and hope for an appology, and it never came.
She claimed that she couldn't recall her behavior from the previous night, so it wasn't her fault and she can't be sorry for something she doesn't remember.
I lost it...
I gave up....
I gave her so many 2nd chances....
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I may have walked away from her, but it still breaks my heart to hear that still today, nothing has changed. She's in and out of jail, and struggling with her will to live.
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I prayed for more than one soul in my time.
I also prayed for Vinny.
He lost his brother to a terrible motorcycle accident and it ate him up inside.
Alcoholism became his disease and he lived to make excuses for his behavior.
His binges increased and he stopped making excuses.
He used to say, "I'm sorry I forgot about our plans. I had a bad day and I deserve a drink. I lost track of time, and here I am. I love you baby, please forgive me.�
He later said, "Fuck it! If you can't handle my drinking, fuck off."
So I did...
I disappeared....
For good.
Those were two of the hardest things I have ever had to give up on.
My friends are my life...
My friends are my family...
They are my inspiration, and it breaks my heart to heat that even though we are no longer close, nothing has changed with them.
They are both the same people they used to be....
I wish there was a cure for alcoholism...
I wish there was a sure cure for major drug addiction.
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On the wild side
We were rebels once
I was a place for you to confide
I was a place you didn�t wear a front
You pretended to be content
Sorrow resided in the trenches of your soul
You blamed your problems on your parents
And refused to climb out of your hole
I told you tomorrow is another day
As you hide your head in your arms
You say you don�t want to see the sun again
And threaten to do yourself more harm
I can�t see you through my tears
But you tell me to look away
Blame your addiction on your fears
And credit my concern for your decay
It was so hard to let go
After all that we had built
I never let you know
But deep inside I felt guilt
The medicine becomes harder to take
Now that you are gone
We all make mistakes
And that made it hard to move on
There is only so much I could do
After you refused to change
You questioned how I could do this to you
But I was the one left feeling so estranged
When I picked up
When I moved away
I told myself I had been through enough
And I couldn�t just watch you wither and decay
I questioned what�s right
Questions that made me weep
I still think of you some nights
And I pray that you find restful sleep
By: Kelly T.
