7:20 P.M.
I woke up this morning and checked my equally annoying voicemails. One came from Kitty; I deleted it before I bothered to decode what he was trying to say. He sounded like he was going to go off on a tangent. It started off something like, "MMMMM, Ummm, Bah, UUUhhhhh, Bler, Blah, Blah, Blah...."
SKIP!
Not impressed....Don't leave a message if you can't get to the point people!
And then there was equally grueling........ Ryan, "Hey baby."
Yes, the mo-fo just called me baby!
He took a long exaderated pause and caught his breath.
"Um, Kell, I was just noticing that it's been a really long time since I've seen your pretty face. I miss you baby. (Yup, he said baby again) I'm sitting here wondering when our paths will cross. Maybe we were just never meant to be. I'm going to keep trying."
He took another long exaderated pause.
"Well, I just want you to know that I'm thinking about you. It's about....."
(He took another long pause and seemed to be distracted by something shiny) (Damn late.)
"Okaaaaaay, How we doing baby? I wanted to call to see what you were up to. I want to see the new Matrix. I think you may have mentioned you wanted to go? I think I drove by you last night, but I was drunk so I'm glad I didn't call to say anything stupid. So....."
(Another long pause)
"Okaaaay, well, either way. Why don't you just give me a call back....�?
(Pause)
"And we'll talk. Good night baby."
He sounded like he struggled just hanging up the phone.
I didn�t have to think twice, I pressed the corresponding number that deletes my messages.
DELETE! DELETE! DELETE!
No, no, no, no....
You'd think superman pulled a muscle with that last speech. I mean c'mon, how long did it take him to think up that last sentence.
I'm sure we would have hung out the last time you expressed interest, if you didn't drop off the face of the earth.
Damn, fuck face!
Grow a brain!
*^*^*^*
He called again tonight asking me to come watch the game.
What do I look like? A damn cheerleader!
Um, no...
The real reason we don't hang out is because you're too stupid to remember that you dicked out, and you're too stoned to care...
Why don't you give me a call when you:
1. Notice your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them
2. You keep more food than beer in the fridge
3. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
4. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
5. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
6. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
7. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
8. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
9. You no longer drink at home to save money .... and finally
10. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that this doesn't apply to you.
