4:36 P.M.
A year ago I could have fooled someone into believing I might just be one of those "Hawaiian Tropic" girls.
Tall, dark, and slender....
Even with black hair I could pull it off, with my olive skin and small build. Isn't that all one really needs to pass for one of the girls?
Well today there is a distinct difference. I�m still tall and slender with black hair. I just appear to be washed out. I have no color what so ever in my skin.
I haven't felt the rays from the sun on my body in weeks, maybe months.
It's amazing how fast the color has faded from my skin.
Just the other night Chrystal voiced her opinion of "The New Look" I have going on.
She said, "Hey gothic chick! Where's Kelly? This gothic THING that you have going on looks like shit! You look so much better with light hair."
I've always worn black eyeliner, but now its presence is far more apparent. The black ring surrounding my eyes now makes me look like a dead body. Which is Chrystal�s explanation of "The Goth" look.
I've always had my insecurities but lately it's been worse. I feel like a fish out of water, so desperate to fit in, yet I don't blend at all. A part of me still refuses to conform to anyone's opinion of what I should be. I may be able to hold my own when it comes to resisting change, but I still struggle with the things I will never change. There are things about me that just stand out, in a bad way.
I'm too skinny, my feet look like clown feet, and I don't smile because my one crooked tooth on the bottom row distracts people when they are trying to hold a conversation with me. I'm sure they'd rather not look at me at all most of the time.
While I was at the beach today I received many looks but none seemed like a compliment.
I've traded in the brighter swim suites for deep blues or greens, and the bright yellow Walkman has been exchanged for a bold red cd diskman.
I walked the shoreline of the beach and watched the crowds of people wondering around the volleyball tournament. They all seemed so preoccupied within their own little world. Nothing existed outside of their little clique.
I caught women and men looking at me and their facial expressions seemed to display a distaste for me. It was as if they were making judgments and I was rather disappointing to look at.
They only did a double take if it was followed by a look of angry disgust.
I walked up to the snack bar to use the facilities and put Christina Agulara on pause.
I walked out of the bathroom just to walk straight into some hot volleyball player. I had turned my cd back on just in time for the interlude to the song" Beautiful " Where she says, "Don't look at me."
I could have definately gone a whole lifetime without seeing his look of disgust after he bumped into me.
I felt exactly what she had said at that exact moment.
DON'T LOOK AT ME!
I walked back into the bathroom. I wanted to cry. I was all-alone so I walked up to the mirror.
"Wow, I really do look like shit!"
I made the decision that I was going to leave the beach and head home.
On my way out of the bathroom I was pushed by some big woman as she said, "Oh hell no girl!"
I have no clue what her deal was.
I just wanted to get the hell out of there....
