9:29 P.M.
I live in the real world MOST of the time, but lately I have found myself daydreaming more and more.
Sometimes everyone craves a fairytale ending in their daily life. Whether it be getting sent home early, no red lights on the way home or a free dinner from some whacked out sugar daddy.
(I think I'd much rather be a sugar mamma, than have a sugar daddy.)
(Ryan said he'd let me be his sugar mamma, but he's usually full of shit.)
I hate to admit it, but lately I have been daydreaming about "The Perfect Man", that I have yet to meet. I've found myself picking out single qualities from ex boyfriends to try to identify the perfect man when he shows up on my front door step.
I know that I haven't met Mr. Right yet, but I want to be ready for him when we actually meet.
No song could express what I�m feeling right now better than, �It Must Have Been Love,� By: Roxette.
I�ve got Nicky on the brain because he�s the closest thing I�ve ever had to a real fairytale in my life. Then again, fairytales all end quickly.
One morning I just woke up and got tired of living a lie and decided that my life had no full-time positions available for a fairytale.
Sometimes I actually catch myself in a rut, feeling like I was the one who has invented the concept of wanting more.
Last weekend when I went to the art festival with Troy I watched the people and tried to imagine the magnitude of their happiness. I tried to envision their toys, their home, and their expensive car. One guy in particular reminded me of Nicky.
When I looked at him I noticed he was wearing gold Rolex and a chunky diamond rock on his pinky finger. �He probably drives a Lexus. He doesn�t have credit card debt, and he probably makes enough money to pay off his home 10 fold.�
I thought back to the nights I would go out to Hyde Park with Nicky and he would walk so proud with my hand in his. He always looked straight ahead, but still had the grace to evade bumpy cracks and slippery curves on the street.
He had money and wasn�t afraid to show it. (He reminded me of that character Edward in the movie, "Pretty Woman.") At the time I was some what embarrassed to go out with him because I was always afraid he would throw his wealth in someone else�s face. He was rich, but he was also so full of himself.
There was this one time when a guy put him down and he took it very personally. He took this stranger and broke him down, almost to sobbing tears.
I was afraid of that. After I saw how much power he had, how much power came with him having so much money, I ran. I ran as fast and as hard as I could.
Sometimes I catch myself missing him, but usually my gag reflex keeps me from thinking too deeply about him.
I don�t miss his cocky attitude but it�s the simple things that kept us together.
It was the nights we would curl up on the couch. He would run his fingers through my hair and trace the creases of where my face met my neck. Normally I don�t let ANYONE touch my face, but he possessed a trust that is incomparable.
Sunday when I was driving through Hyde Park I noticed that our favorite restaurant had closed down.
The Tuscan Oven was gone. It had shut its doors to the public and now some no name lamo restaurant has taken its place.
*^*^*
I remember one night we went out the Tuscan Oven and everyone seemed to watch us in awe. They starred uncontrollably and occasionally had the nerve to point over at our table.
Nick leaned in over the table as if to kiss me and whispered something into my ear.
�They�re all looking at you baby.�
My face turned red and I felt all the blood rush to my head.
I excused myself to the bathroom where I found about a dozen teeny boppers commenting about my date.
They bickered in their high pitched voices; all assuming that Nicky had been making eyes at them.
I washed my hands and made my way back to the table where I razzed Nicky about his newly found fan club.
We made our way home after dinner and he shared his desire to spend more time with me.
Of course I freaked out.
I questioned his motives, still wondering what he could have possibly found in me.
He was a million dollars and I was a cheap knock off straight from the shelves of Target.
He explained the differences between classy and trashy and convinced me that even though I wasn�t shopping at Lord and Taylor, I was still money.
�You�re money baby! And it�s about time you know it.�
*^*^*^*^*
Like usual, I walked. I walked and I haven�t heard much from him since. I would love to say that we are still friends but I�m not going to lie. He�s long gone.
I�m not even sure that it�s him that I miss.
I just miss a certain feeling captured in the few and rare, intimate moments we spent together.
*^*^*^*
I got to thinking tonight. Maybe I only want money because it appeared to buy people like him happiness. Maybe the thought of money makes me think I�ll be happy because he never settled for anything off of the clearance rack. Nothing he had was second rate.
He said he had everything in the world after he met me. All voids were filled and there was no need to search for anything better. He was never out to fill my place until I left him.
He gave me a complex without even trying. He gave me the feeling that he seemed to be settling, or a feeling that he could do so much better.
I want the feelings I felt with him, without the feeling that one of use is better than the other.
*^*^*
I found that warm feeling a while back when I had a conversation with Jesse. Of all people the last person I failed to expect a feeling from would be Jesse.
Jesse and I are friends and nothing more but I remember one night when he smiled at me, I felt all warm and fuzzy inside.
I thought about my secret desires to curl up with someone in my big bed late at night. I have this urge to fall asleep in some man�s arms while he reads to me or plays with my hair.
I have so much pent up emotion and it reveals itself in my dreams. As hard as I try I can�t seem to run from this desire.
There is a void that needs to be filled but I want to fill it with someone I have never met. I don�t want anything I have had in the past. I want something new. I want something better.
Maybe I�m only comfortable being single because I�m just not ready to settle for anything LESS than a fairytale.
