6:24 P.M.
I�ve spent most of my free time listening to the new Dave Mathews Cd.
That disk is damn amazing!
There is this one song I have played on repeat because I could relate a bit to what he was saying.
It made me painfully aware of the way that I had acted in the past.
Basing my relationships on a series of �Moments�. As if I were only wanting to get lost in the moments and how I would be able to remember them.
I have my own philosophy of �Stay or Leave.�
I will say, �Stay or leave, I don�t care either way. As if I have convinced myself that I�m not attached in any way to anyone at all. I don't care, but I want to make this one count. I pretend that I don't care, but my heart is fully in this. I don't want him to forget me. It�s as if I appear that I could care less how they feel as long as they get lost in the same moment I have fantasized about forever........... I think to myself, ( I watch other people watch us, wanting what we appear to have. They only see those perfect moments where everything is right. It's the look in their eyes, it's the look in your eyes, and the feeling I have in my heart that keeps our last moment such a strong memory....)�
Ok, maybe that makes no sense at all, because I can't say out loud who's faces are in the back of my mind when I think of these things.
I have realized that by living out this philosophy I may be missing out because when someone decides to leave I shrug it off and say, �Oh well. I didn�t care either way, right?�
Wrong-O
No one likes to be rejected.
No one�
One really is the loneliest number.
Dave sings,
�Maybe different but remember
Winters warm when you and I
Kissing whiskey by the fire
With the snow outside
And when the summer comes in the river
Swims at midnight shiver cold
Touch the bottom starry night
With muddy toes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you should
It was good as good, goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
But you can
Wake up naked drinking coffee
Making plans to change the world
While the world is changing us
It was good good love
You used to laugh under the covers
Maybe not so often now
But the way I used to laugh with you
Was loud and hard
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you should
It was good as good, goes
Stay or leave
I want you not to go
but you did
so what to do
with the rest of the days afternoon
Isn�t it strange how we change everything we did
Did I do all that I should?
That I coulda done
Remember we used to dance
When everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
what day is this?
besides the day you left me
what day is this?
besides the day you went
So what to do with the rest of the days afternoon
Isn�t it strange how we change everything we did
Did I do all that I could?
Remember we used to dance
When everyone wanted to be you and me
I want to be too
what day is this?
besides the day you left me
what day is this?�
Ok, so secretly I wish they wouldn�t choose to leave me here all alone�.
Each time they pick up and leave it does change me as a person. I become more and more bitter wondering if I had actually done a thing to keep them around. I usually push them away.
I think of this each new person I have met lately.
Wondering in the back of my mind, �He�s cute. He seems nice. Maybe I should say yes to his dinner proposal.�
But is it ever just dinner anymore? I haven't gone on a real date in a while. What if our first date went well? What if I actually want him to stay? Would I be able to tell him?
Listening to this song, I also thought of the things I had never done.
I had never cuddled up with someone watching it snow outside�
Ok, maybe this feeling of loss has nothing to do with recent relationships at all. I�m just reflecting on my distant past, and the "new big love", I want to find in my immediate future.
Listening to this song gives me goosebumps!
Damn....
I don�t have time in my life right now for something serious�.
No matter how many �perfect 10�s� I stumble across.
Could I be missing out?
Stay Or Leave?......
