1:09 A.M.
I stopped by T's house and brought him some groceries. We were on the phone a while back and he had mentioned that school was far more demanding than he had ever imagined. He wasn't sure how he was going to pay rent, and still go to school.
I wish there was more I could do than buy him groceries. At least I know that he will have something to eat for at least the next 2 weeks. Hopefully in a few weeks he will be more acclimated to his new schedule and he will figure a way to earn some extra income.
After I start this new job I plan on not only helping Troy out with groceries but also sending some over to Heidi who seems to be struggling a bit lately.
As for me, I have no clue how I'm going to pay for my car insurance this month but food is more important at this point.
T and I had a long conversation tonight about being normal.
It seemed to help tackle some of the thoughts that had been lingering in the back of my mind lately.
Maybe I'm not all that abnormal after all. Maybe I just haven't found exactly what completes me.
Talking to him tonight I realized that a major reason why my long-term relationships had lasted so long was because of a surrogate family.
When I had dated Richey for so long I became a part of his family. His family filled the void that I had inside my whole life.
His mom never said, "Go to your room! Get out of my face! I'm tired of looking at you! Go to hell!"
She never smacked me for no apparent reason, and she was always interested in what made me special.
She wanted to hear how school went. She wanted to hear what I wanted to do with my life and the goals I had set to achieve my dreams....
Richey and his family gave me a sense of clarity that I had never experienced in a relationship.
The closest thing I had to a feeling of family belongingness as a kid was with my dad's parents who practically raised me when I was growing up. When I grew older it became more and more difficult to work things out with my parents.
I have found a connection with my friends' families before. I had felt a connection with Amy and her family, with Missy and her family, with Lauren and her family, and Heidi and her family, and so many others, but never with my own. My closest friends were close because they were the substitute for my lack of family. I was never treated like the black sheep, but treated like one of the pack.
Even after I broke things off with Rich I had a void that I just could not fill. After we broke up I never patched things up with my own family, and his family was permanently removed from the picture.
I need to establish a sense of family again.
I never knew how much a family meant to me until I was a part of one....
It's just sad that I was more a part of someone else's family, than my own. I never understood why my parents pushed me away until Troy explained manic depression a little better. He said that when you hate getting out of bed in the morning having the obligation to take care of a family becomes a burden and you can't help but treat them like shit. I may never forgive the people who pushed me away, but at least I can almost understand why they did it....
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On a lighter note Ryan called today and asked me out to dinner tomorrow night.
I probably won't go out but it's flattering that he still tries to get me to hang out after he ditched me a few months ago...I'm not going to fall for his silly little games. .
He wouldn't know a true friend if they came up and bit him in the ass, but then again I'm pretty sure he would expect them to..
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I need to get some rest. I have class again at the ass crack of dawn.
Wish me luck!.....
