2:20 P.M.
Dearest Diary....
�Something�s missing, and I don�t know how to fix it�. I�ve struggled with the thought for as long as I can remember.
No one is happy all the time!
I know this�.
Rationalizing my mood swings is pointless, but time and time again I do it anyway�.
I have failed a specific diagnosis in the past.
I think back to ways I had handled the feeling of displacement in the past and I roll my eyes, while smacking my forehead..."STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!".
I ran away, I started arguments with friends that I didn�t even care about, I cried, and rebelled against anything and anyone that would stand a chance of fighting against me.
There was that one time where I subjected myself to a white room, with bright florescent lights, surrounded by NO ONE. Pencil in hand, I bubbled in responses to questions that were supposed to tell me who I really am.
Questions read as:
1. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
2. Would you ever consider running your own business?
3. Do you prefer a 9-5, Mon-Fri job with a set schedule or would you like your work schedule to be more flexible.
4. Are you often the center of attention?
5. Do you enjoy being the center of attention�?
Blah, blah, blah�
After about 40 questions I stopped taking it seriously and started to Christmas tree the personality analysis test.
I guess I only cared because it was my motive to care. I was a psych. Major, and I wanted to know the easy answer to everything that I couldn�t explain about myself.
In psychology there seems to be an explanation for everything that someone does.
I left that in my past�.
*^*^*
Today something is still missing. I have no clue what it is.
I don�t know if I ever really thought so deeply about my �break ups� in the past.
They all come to an abrupt end, where I just suddenly change my mind about things. It�s as if I wake up one morning and decide, �This isn�t working, I want out, and I want out NOW!�
I had been down the past few months. I haven�t been truly happy in a long while.
I�ve searched for my answers through constant change and instability.
I�ve found myself seeking out answers in the shopping mall, the grocery store and anyplace with tangible expectations and rewards.
I�ve racked up my credit card debt and purchased every which gadget to try to fill the void inside.
I�ve drank until I can�t see straight, I�ve taken self improvement courses, taken the career to bring me material gains, and I�ve driven across the state looking for my �quick fix� or the missing piece of the puzzle.
For a while it was as if I had developed this philosophy that anything I could possibly need runs on batteries.
I put stock in material things that couldn't talk back...
I must be crazy, because for a while my philosophy actually worked!
After I�ve shopped until I drop I find myself with nothing more than aching feet and an empty bank account.
The company of others no longer helped so much. It was as if I had gotten so used to being alone that it felt almost fake to be accompanied by another.
Forget relationships, they all seemed forced and over exaderated. It was as if I was pushing myself to date someone just to prove to myself, �I can make this work.�
I should have been considering the limits of the things we had in common. Love just isn�t strong enough to keep it together if you don�t share anything in addition to the love.
It only works in my family because I live with these people�.
I kept asking myself, �Why would someone who has so much feel so damn bad?�
I have friends and family who care for me and a few weeks ago a guy who spoiled me to the point it was smothering.
I couldn�t give credit to Kitty for my sadness but I knew there was nothing more he could do to make me feel better.
I think he'd be better off with someone he can actually have an influence over.....
He'll be happier when he finds more than what we had. It's out there.....
So many times I've thought to myself, "I would feel much better taking care of myself, relying on NO ONE...."
I do feel somewhat happier now that I�m single. My free time isn�t guaranteed to one person. I don�t have an offer to "road trip it to Orlando on Sunday" hanging over my head. I�m much more relaxed now that no one has an influence on my decisions.
After I broke things off this last time I never had a motive or a plan to follow.
I just followed the direction spontaneity brought me.
There is a feeling of �new me�, but it�s only an illusion.
I�ve dyed my hair to a deeper burgundy with shades of purple, and merlot.
Since the break I�ve chopped off my hair, colored my nails, changed the way I do my make up, changed my clothes, I�ve changed my attitude, changed jobs, started school, and considered a change of phone and address.
I have only made one concrete decision out of this whole incident.
I BELONG TO NO ONE
I do my own thing. I report to no one, and I don�t feel guilty if I don�t call someone to check in at the end of the night.
I don�t need it right now, and I don�t want it.
I no longer dress to impress. I have learned to follow Jesse�s sense of style. The same sense of style I would rag on just to make his friends smile.
When it comes to getting dressed in the morning I no longer reach for the �hip� or �cute�, I�m reaching for the �comfort�.
I�m not wearing trendy gear, but my comfort level is a 10!
I have made so many spontaneous decisions, but in the long run they all seem to apply to my long-term goals.
I hope that in a few months when I turn 25 I will have more of this mess better figured out!
