10:39 P.M.
I have resisted the urge that has danced it�s way back into my life these past few days.
I've distracted my attention with everything, and anything I can find.
I�m talking about the urge I have had to call someone who lives a million miles from a place that I call home. A person who has probably thought very little of the event that sent me into a blissful slumber, of sunset day dreams, and thoughts of fate and belonging.
It was a couple of summer's ago, but I have not yet forgotten.
The feelings have since faded, but the memory of the bliss is somewhere deep within my cold outer shell...
I haven�t heard from him in months. The last time I had heard from him, it was supposed to be one of those spur of the moment conversations but he got my voicemail instead.
The last time he had called he said that he had been thinking of me but never mentioned what triggered his thoughts, or the content of what he had been pondering.
I often wonder what ever happened to him. Such a guy that no one believed had a romantic bone in his entire body. Such a great man that I would have given my heart to. I would have jumped on a flight to see him for any given reason, just because I was sure we had a connection that no one else would understand, let alone describe.
I�m a fool. I�m foolish.
It is thoughts I have about guys like him that keep me from getting into anything too serious sometimes.
It is thoughts and wonders about how I could ever feel such a deep connection about someone I had only spent a few hours with at first.
I met him on one of my trips to see my sister. We kept in contact through email and developed a strong bond through email correspondence.
I haven�t listened to David Grey. I haven�t pulled out �Serendipity� from my DVD collection, and I haven�t picked up the phone to talk to him even when he left a message pleading me to call him back.
It�s been months, it�s been years, and each hour seems like an eternity when I think about how badly I wanted things to work out.
Tonight I was flipping through the channels and landed on �Serendipity�.
The very movie I had avoided for so long was right there in front of me.
I didn�t change the channel. Instead, I directed my attention towards the television.
I�m done watching the movie now, and I sit here wondering what it was about him that made him so much more special than anything I have found before.
Why was I so amazed?
Was it anything he could have done?
Was it just the right timing?
I look back at it now and it was never meant to work out. Things have changed. I have changed, he has changed. Everything happends for a reason, right? Sure, because I have since learned things about him that I consider quite revolting, and I�m somewhat embarrassed to admit he was once the apple of my eye. He will never be the guy he was BEFORE the trip to Ft. Lauderdale...
What is love?
I find myself asking the same question on a regular basis. I�m pretty sure that what I had felt for Zach was nothing more than infatuation until I got to know him so well, but I want that again.
I want the infatuation. The motivation it takes to get to know someone well. I like things when they are still "fresh". I want to be so head over heels for someone that it blinds me to the sorrows of life. I want to have the dedication it takes to get to know someone a little better based on our first few moments together.
I want to meet someone inspiring�..
Where is the love?...
No, no�.
Where is my time for love any more?
I don�t want to take any steps backwards.
I don�t want Zach, or any of the other things that didn�t work out as planned.
I want something new that��
Oh forget it.
