11:45 P.M.
Went to work tonight and time dragged on slower than molasses.
I had a few nice tables, but mostly just assholes.
I sat back trying to recover from last night.
I still feel like ass....
I avoided conversations with anyone, and kept to myself, but still found time to receive an ear shot from Chris just before he left the building. I guess his emotional response to "the break-up" wasn't a total surprise. He spouted off at the mouth without giving me a chance to even defend myself.
Yeah, that part wasn't a surprise either.
(I can just hear it now. "Kelly, this is what you wanted... Remember? You WANT to be single.... You deserve to be chewed out! Chris is not in the wrong. He's just as much a part of your relationship with Kitty as you are....Ha.. Ha... Kelly, you suck, so suck it up bitch!")
He stated that I have problems with commitment, and confrontation, as if he wanted the same credit as Columbus recieved when he had discovered American.
Hello! It�s no surprise! Kitty has known this all along. He, like many others just figure that he could save me, he figured he could change me and MAKE me get over my issues.
It may NEVER happen!
Get over it.
I have. And believe me, if I can get over it, anyone can.
Chris crossed his arms refusing to listen, only just waiting his turn to snap back with a quick, insulting, somewhat witty, rebuttal.
Before he jetted out of the building he made sure to send a routine guilt trip my way. He said that Kitty was having a break down and he was going crazy.
Of coarse it hurt to hear such a statement.
I ran to the bathroom and puked my brains out again, and again, and again.
My makeup ran down my face, and Erwin asked what was wrong.
I gathered my stuff, did my side work and attempted to drive home with swollen eyes.
My stomach has been queasy. I just don't deal so well with this kind of stuff.
It's funny. Chris always has something to say. He's always working on his arguments.
When Kitty and I were together, Chris would come into work to tell me about all of the things that bothered Kitty. He would share some of Kitty's comments, complaints, and compliments about me. He would do his best to make me feel guilty for not always giving 110%.
It wore me thin. After listening to Chris preach about the things that Kitty and I lacked I just got tired of trying. We went out for a drink at the Blue Martini the other night and I swore that if things didn�t get better, I wasn�t going to bother trying anymore.
Hearing the insults from Chris on a regular rotation just made me feel like an even bigger failure.
I suffer if I stay, I suffer if I go....I try to do the right thing and I'm attacked because you feel I have a lack of empathy to show....
I had told Kitty and Chris a few times that I was tired of Chris taking my relationship problems and talking about them, but nothing really changed.
Kitty weighs heavy on my heart and my mind but I need to get away...
****
My skin is thin, my guard down, things easily find their way under my skin, and I stop caring about the promises that tomorrow may bring....
*^*^*
I wish someone would call and say, �Hey Kell, lets go get a round of drinks!�
I would drink until I couldn�t think so deeply.
I WILL drink my sorrows away.
THIS WILL WORK, or I will give up.
I wonder if there is a local liquor store still open for a reject like me.
Maybe these sleeping pills will help?
I can only wait and see......
Oh shit! I have class at the ass crack of dawn. I'm fucked!
