3:22 A.M.
On the drive home from Brick Town I threw on some Ben Harper. Heidi mentioned that she had seen him on Jay Leno the other night and she wanted to call me to tell me about it but she didn't want to wake me.
I put on "The Drugs Don't Work", and I told her the story about the first time I had heard the song.
I was at the concert with my mom and I got so lost in the acoustic guitar. I listened so attentively to his lyrics and I started to cry. My crying turned into a fountain, and the fountain led to sobbing and choking.
The lyrics to the song reminded me of my attitude towards Jason when we broke up my sophomore year in high school.
He was addicted to drugs and we didn't work out because I felt that they were running his life.
Ben sings,
"If you want a show, just let me know and I'll sing in your beer can.
The drugs don't work, they just make you worse but I know I'll see your face again."
It was my attitude towards him.
I would attempt to distract him and entertain him to take the place of his drugs.
When I realized that I couldn't take the place of his drugs, I figured I would tell him how I felt. I told him that the drugs just made things worse, and I found myself distancing myself from him.
I never really gave up on him; I just tried to accept his decomposition.
After we broke up he said he would be better off dead if he had to live without me.
He over dosed at a party, and he was never heard of again.
It was one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with.
In reality, I'm not sure that I have ever dealt with it.
Since then, I have tried my best not to let anyone get too close to me.
Tonight Heidi realized that there was a huge gap in the things that she thought she knew about me.
I never told her about Jason.
I never told a lot of people about Jason.
He was outside of my circle of friends, and that was part of his appeal.
He was a writer, he was an artist, and he was everything I wanted to be.
He grew up as an orphan, and worked hard to barely make it on his own. His friends were loyal, and when I joined his circle of friends I made the same vow to take care of him when I could.
I would give him everything and anything that I possibly could.
Heidi cried just listening to the story, and she was shocked.
I cried the whole way home, thinking that the anniversary of his death is slowly approaching, wondering if I will ever deal with his death.
There is sooooo, soooo, much that no one knows about me.
I've locked so much inside.
I could probably fit my secrets into a ditch the size of The Grand Canyon.
