1:32 A.M.
Calm, quiet, and reserved
I've felt his tension building for weeks
Trying so hard not to deserve
These swollen tear stained cheeks
I've pushed you so far away
Over the cruel words you have said
There is nothing redeemable you can say
You've crushed my heart, now she is dead....
Kelly T.
^*^*^*^
God, I only wish I could find a day like the one that Smile factory describes on his site!
Today was lacking such a simple thing as a smile.
I woke up feeling like ass, and I go to bed feeling worse!
*^*^*
I went into work tonight. No big bad tables. Actually work went ok.
Kitty, Elaine, and I got into a conversation about achieving our goals and creating the obligation it takes to finish what you start.
Kitty was a bit worried about taking out a loan for school. It�s going to be a huge chunk of change and he seems to be questioning his commitment to the project.
I worried a bit about him starting and then giving up if he hits a road block that would keep him from his goals.
He seems to get discouraged when it comes to school, and discouragement becomes a huge pain in the ass if you haven�t come to terms with all of the things you will have to give up to focus on your studies.
He wants to get his certificates at a tech. school without having to do the silly pre-reqs that a normal university would require.
I worry that with the certificates, if he doesn�t network and get a secured job before he finishes his certificate that he may be shit out of luck.
I want nothing more than for him to succeed and do what he likes to do for a living, but he also has to be realistic about it.
There may not be a huge demand for his kind of job in the area, and he said that he is willing to move anywhere to do his job.
I hope to God that he means that because it may come down to that.
I remember when I started school again I was so lost.
Hell, I�m still lost and I would do almost anything to find a positive mentor or motivator in my life.
The best motivation I received the other day came from Jerry. Jerry is a guy who reads my diary and he said,
�I've seen it happen! Not often mind you, but I have seen it happen. Most times happiness in work or a profession comes at the sacrifice of money and wealth.
Keep you dreams. Keep chasing them. As you know things are not handed to you just because you smile pretty. It takes dedication, hard work and lots of sacrifice, but it is so worthwhile to achieve a dream. In the meantime one might have to travel down many roads until you find that right combination and the formula (or lucky break) for success.
I saw Whoopie Goldberg on Actor's Studio the other day and she summarized it perfectly. She said something like I am standing here today because of my talent, but I got here by luck. If the person who discovered me had a cold and didn't come to work that day she might never have been discovered or if she missed her bus and was late for the audition she might never have been discovered. She went on to say that many of the students she was talking to won't have the luck she had, but the important thing in life is to do what makes you happy. It might not lead to fame and fortune, but happiness is more important.�
What Jerry said was exactly what I needed to hear.
*^*^*
All night I kept thinking in the back of my head, � I can�t wait to get out of here to go chill with Kitty. I hope he didn�t take my advice the wrong way. I just don�t want him to get his hopes up, or have false hopes in a job industry that isn�t even stable. Sure, we argue but I enjoy his company.�
After work I headed to Ruby�s where two total strangers walked up to me and said, �Guys suck! Don�t waste your time on guys! They never think before they talk and they all have double standards.�
I smiled and walked in. The hostess told me that they were closed so I called Kitty to tell him to meet me at Bennegane�s instead. When we got up there everything seemed fine.
We sat there for a while, and started arguing like usual.
Tonight was different though.
I asked him why he didn�t like Brad because I sensed so much anger in his voice when his name was brought up in conversation.
He said that Brad was lazy and that was all.
I found it rather odd that he disliked Brad for the same attitude towards working there that he displays.
I guess he doesn�t see how negative he is towards working there.
Kitty has been negative about working there ever since I have started. I just don�t understand why he stuck around so long.
He then went on to say that he didn�t like the way that Brad cornered me in the stairwell before I left work tonight. He said he didn�t like the way that Brad looked at me.
Kitty swears that Brad has this stare in his eyes that shows a secret intent. He thinks Brad is undressing me with his eyes, and trying to get into my pants.
Wonderful!
Well I guess he�s not the only one, because everyone looks at me the same way in that place.
I figured that the stare might have had something to do with gratitude. I figured that it was an appreciation for the fact that I�m willing to help when I can, and work hard no matter how much money I�m taking home at the end of the night.
I told him that I would NEVER sleep with Brad and he wouldn�t let it go. He swore that his insecurities were with Brad. He swore that he trusted me, so why did he have to keep drilling it into the ground. He just kept going until I started crying.
As soon as I started crying he quit going off on his rant and asked me to forgive him and take his hand.
I sat there still. I tried my hardest not to puke. My stomach turned and I lost my appetite.
I threw my money on the table and tried to slide out of my booth chair. He tried stopping me and I pushed my way through. He tried standing behind my car and I kept on driving.
*^*^* Those girls at Ruby�s were right!
Guys are all about double standards.
Kitty can hang out with people from work.
He has managed to bring our personal business into work after I had asked him a number of times not to do that. I tried to forget about it.
He spends time with people from work more than I ever have. That�s just A-OK-FINE, but when it comes to me finding common ground with someone, he has to act all insecure.
Forget it!
It�s not worth my breath!
*^*^*
I tried to drive home and he followed me. I took a detour trying to loose him and he just kept on keeping on.
It was nerve wrecking.
I�m so upset I can�t stop crying. So upset I�m sick and I can�t keep any food in my empty, aching, stomach.
I want to scream, but I can�t.
My throat is killing me.
*^*^*
I had mentioned to Brad that it would be cool to hang out at the beach tomorrow, but I plan on spending my day in bed.
I don�t need to spend any more time with people I work with.
I need to get this crap out of my head.
I can't stop thinking of Kitty and I'm sure there's more to his anger than this, but I'm just too tired to argue anymore....
One thing I realized tonight....
I'm better off alone....
Just to prove it, Kitty just sent me an instant message to confirm it, he writes, "YOUR BETTER OFF ALONE!" Thank You Kitty for clearing that up..... And just for the record, It's YOU'RE, not YOUR!
