4:08 P.M.
My day just started getting worse and I'm not sure that going into work is the best idea.
I'm not going to call in for something as stupid as emotional trauma.
I should have known something was going on.
For some reason I thought it was normal behavior, given he has been to a number of funerals in the past few months.
If I had to handle more than one wake a year, I think I would probably be depressed.
Hell, I can't handle one wake a year. What am I talking about? I'm still not over my grandfather�s death.
Every time I go into work and see Mr. Mah I have to fight back the tears. His constant need for perfection reminds me of my grandfather. They share some of the same common mannerisms and I honestly respect their need for control over situations.
It is important to have control when possible.
***
Dad has been extra clingy lately. Always asking where I'm going, when I will be back, and offering to come along. He's done his best to drag out every goodbye with an over dramatic sad smile as tears well up in his eyes.
****
Today mom came home early from work to take dad to the doctors. It's almost been a year since his brain surgery and his progress is less than stellar.
I'm pretty sure that I caught dad crying when I got home from the mall. I had gone out to get another work shirt and when I walked in he was breathing funny and wiping his cheeks.
He asked what I had going today and I reminded him for the eleventh time that I was going in to close the restaurant tonight.
He said once again, like he says every day, "There's good days and bad days. You have to take the good with the bad."
My mom got home and I could hear her as she had so much tension in her voice when she said, "We need to get you back on your feet again. It would really help if we could get some income in here to pay all of these bills that are pilling up. I just don't think I can do this anymore."
I wanted to slap her!
He can't handle all of this pressure.
He is frustrated enough just trying to take each day as it comes.
Do you honestly believe that he doesn't want to work?
He feels useless.
When you feel useless there isn't much point in living.
I wish there was something more we could do to help him come along.
There has got to be more rehabilitation that the doctors could offer.
I don't want them to give up on him.
He has so much potential.
I have seen it.
When he went back to work part time his memory was improving drastically.
Now he sits at home in front of the computer. He feels no need to remember things. There is no vital information to remember when all you do is play solitaire in your underwear.
My dad feels so discouraged.
I can see it in how he acts.
He is much more emotional than he was before.
I worry about him all the time.
I hate having to leave him at home alone for even 20 minutes.
I think his mental health is taking a dive since he can't go back to work.
Damn!
I can't think.
My eyes are swollen from crying.
I can't breathe.
And I'm off to work....
