10:24 P.M.
Today I woke up and did almost nothing.I was too tired to do anything. I feel like I'm getting sick again.
I drove around for a while.
Ass-Face-Ryan called and told me he wanted me to see his new place.
"I DON'T CARE WHAT HE WANTS!"
I'm still bitter!
I stopped by for all of 5 minutes and realized that I had no place there.
I don't even like him.
I came to a harsh realization. I wasn't attracted to him at all. I was attracted to the person that he will NEVER be. He talks a lot of game like he is going to get his shit together some day, and he sounds like he means it. He's just like every other man I have come across. They are salesmen, they are closers, and they are telling stories to reel you in. They know that if they inspire you to think that you will someday feel like you could want them.
Guys talk good game.
I think the conversation today went something like.
"I'm glad to be out on my own. I hated depending on the kindness of others to get by. . I'm going back to school in the winter. Work is good, and I'm single and miserable."
Well, get over it; I'm not the cure to your disease.
You say you will do all this crap. I'll believe it when I see it.
The truth of the matter comes down to this. They want something but they don't follow through, and when things don't work out, it is out of their control.
What he should have said was,
"I've kinda-sorta applied for better jobs, and I'm waiting for a better opportunity to fall into my lap."
Listening to his ambitions makes me question my own ability to achieve the goals I have set.
*****
I drove around aimlessly thinking of the things I wanted to do after I finish my AA degree. I know for sure that I want to be more than I am.
I don't want to be in the same spot I'm in now, and I don't want to have to depend on anyone.
I never want to stop looking for something new to inspire me. I can't settle in on any one idea at the moment.
I don't have enough common interests with anyone around here and that is important to me.
I desperately want to metamorphosis into something a bit more fabulous or amazing than this mess I've become.
I don't want to get settled in right now just before I have to leave. I don't think it's fair.
I don't want Kitty to be the only person on the planet who thinks I'm the best thing since sliced bread.
On that note, Kitty sent me more flowers today. Why? I do not know.
I'm puzzled.
They made me smile.
The flowers are absolutely amazing!
I do love flowers and he always sends the big ones.
I saw him last night and it was good to get along better than we have been on the phone lately.
I'm tired of arguing over stupid petty shit that I don't care enough about to argue.
Flowers are always great....
I think back to my past and the only time anyone else had sent me flowers was to make up for when they had done something wrong. It was usually when they thought they would hurt me by cheating on me. Well it only hurts you if you find out about it right?
Right!
And I am the most naive person on the entire planet to believe that anyone would want only me.
Maybe I don't care to fix the bitterness I feel towards guys as a whole.
I'm a pain in the ass, and it's not a test. I am literally THIS bitchy.
I'm not suspicious about Kitty's reason for the flowers though. Not a bit.
I watch him and he almost seems too into me.
I think I start to feel like I'm trapped when I'm in a relationship. I don't want them.
I would still light up if someone told me, "Ben Affleck asked about you today. He wants to meet you."
I can't say that I will never look at another man or say, "Yeah, he's cute."
I don't want to feel this way; it's just the way it is.
I don't like feeling guilty about having crushes on other people who are unobtainable. I like my fantasies.
Maybe I shouldn't be in any sort of relationship with anyone?
I think too deeply....
I love hanging out with Kitty, but I look for any excuse to stay single, as if I am afraid of getting hurt.
How can I get hurt if I keep my distance? Well it happends.
I know that I have loved in my life, but I don't know if I want to be "In Love".
Sometimes I think I'm in love with the thought of being in love.
It's sad and unrealistic.
******
I have so much running through my mind at the moment, that I don't want to focus in on any one person or thing. I don't want anyone to influence the decisions I make. I'm young. I deserve to live without complicated obligations.
I want to live. I want to do. I want to be..... SOMETHING. I want it all without manipulation or mind games from family or people who are close to me.
When I hear the word relationship, The word Single sounds so good to me no matter what state of mind I'm in. I think I need room to grow.
I feel like by being with one person it's only going to waste their time. Like they could be out spending time with someone who they could build a life with someday.
I have no interest in eternity, or forever right now.
The fact that Kitty mentioned that I have stuck around for months shocked me. I don't want to think like this but, How can we "be together" if I'm convinced that I'm still single.
What is wrong with me? I'm single, but not looking. It's not like I'm out going on dates with other guys, or that I even know anyone else that I want to date. I only know that I want to have options in my future without obligations.
I don't want to be the ONE person at the center of anyone's universe.
******
I was talking to Jr. the other day and he said that he was waiting around for a girl to decide on her path in life. He was waiting to find out if she wanted him in the picture. Like she was deciding on her future, and who to bring along for the ride.
There are no guarantees and I don't want to get my hopes up.
My heart has convinced me that I'd rather give up on relationships before I get hurt.
***
This all sounds like a lamo plot to an after school special.
It all stems from wanting to get away, but not wanting to make Kitty sad.
I need to get away to find my own path, and I don't want him to be miserable without me. He seems so sad when I'm not around him every spare moment I have.
I need him, but I don't want to need anyone.
One thing that sets us apart is the need to feel "safe". Kitty seems to depend on the feeling of being safe. I could care less about a "safe" relationship, where you know you have someone to call home. I just want a best friend that I can trust and build upon. I don't want to "belong" to anyone. I thrive on independance.
Growing up is supposed to be great. I want to grow up. Why does it feel like these next few months are going to be the hardest months of my life.
