4:36 P.M.
Last night at dinner, Kitty and I had a conversation...
It sent me deep into thought just before I went to bed.
I tried to sleep but had strange dreams all night.
The last dream I recall I was serving J-Lo and Ben Affleck at the restaurant. They were nice and we had a conversation where they asked me to play a waitress in one of their movies. I accepted and pointed them in a direction where they could find Brian, (a friend who moved to LA). They said they would call him to ask him to be in J-Lo�s next video.
I woke up thinking what the hell was that.
I couldn�t go back to sleep right away. I started to think about the conversation I had with Kitty at dinner.
I thought about past relationships that didn't work out as planned.
I thought, and deeply hoped that each one of those guys from my past are actually happy now.
When things don�t work out I found that it is because someone is being selfish, that person could have been me.
It's not that I COULDN'T make them happy. I�m sure it was possible.
We didn�t have a good relationship. I had a habit of dating guys that were all for show.
Heidi pointed that out to me the other day.
She said I go for the guys who talk a great talk, but don�t really end up being the fairytale they make themselves out to be.
So when I start wishing for unicorns and rainbows, I get it and later I realize this guy is only smoke and mirrors...
There is no unicorn. It's just a pony with a dixie cup fastened to his ears with rubber bands.
The rainbow is just a flashlight next to a water faucet.
I question the magic of it all and choose to stop believing the fairytale.
My past relationships were more like a made for TV movie and I got to the point where I blew my lines.
It's not like it happened once. I blew my lines over and over again, and then threw the towel in.
I could swear I meant what I was saying, but it wasn't good enough because deep down there WAS something missing.
It got to the point where it was obvious to EVERYONE around me.
I had to give up.
I'm no good at relationships.
When times get tough someone is always asking me to point out the silver lining...
SURPRISE!
What you get is what you get.
Don't look so upset
THERE IS NO SILVER LINING!
I'm the same person I was in the beginning.
I'm not a chameleon who is going to suddenly become the girl of your dreams.
I'm exactly the way I seem.
I may be more than a girl so hot..
You just can't mold me into something I'm not.
I couldn't play the role anymore...I forgot what I was working so hard for...
He could never give me enough, and I was never so good at that "MUSHY" stuff...
When I would run from his touch, He opened his eyes....because my words just didn't seem to mean so much...
Kelly T.
