12:13 P.M.
Mom and dad left me an application taped to my bedroom door. I guess I found it funny because they have played no part in screening any guys I have dated in the past. I do all of my screening personally, so maybe I need to come up with some sort of application myself.
Mom and dads' application reads:
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
NAME:
DATE OF BIRTH:
HEIGHT:
WEIGHT:
IQ:
GPA:
SOCIAL SECURITY #:
DRIVERS LICENCE #:
BOY SCOUT RANK:
STREET ADDRESS:
CITY/STATE:
ZIP:
Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent?:
If no, explain:
Number of years parents married?:
Do you own a van?:
A truck with oversized tires?:
A water bed?:
Do you have ear rings, nose ring, or belly button ring?:
Tattoos?:
In 50 words or less, what does DON�T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER mean to you?:
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTENANCE mean to you?:
Church you attend?:
How often do you attend?:
When is the best time to interview your father/mother and priest?:
Answer by filling in the blanks; please answer freely, (all answers are confidential)
A. If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want to be wounded is?:
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want to break is my?:
C. A woman�s place is in the?:
D. The one thing I hope this application doesn�t ask me about is?:
E. When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is?:
(Note if answer E begins with a T or and A, discontinue and leave premises. IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP: Keeping your head low and running in a serpentine manner is strongly advised.)
What do you want to be, IF you grow up?
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH (SLOW AND PAINFUL) DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFICTION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINCES WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND INFINITUM.
SIGNATURE: _______________________________(Sign your name moron)
Thank you for your interest, Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved to advance to stage 2 of the application process. Please DO NOT try to call or write (since you probably can�t and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases will notify you.
IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP: While outside or near a window, if the small hairs on the back of your neck stand up, it would be advisable to IMMEDIATELY DROP TO THE GROUND AND TAKE COVER BEHIND LARGE CEMENT OR STEEL OBJECTS.
