8:43 P.M.
How do you avoid the inevitable?
I guess you don�t and then you are stuck in the same corner that you just dug yourself out of just a few years, months, sometimes days ago�
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Ok, Ok, I know. I know and I understand the concern.
I would be upset if I was confused. But I�m a confusing person.
.
I have so many friends and sometimes it�s hard to decipher when I have found something more than a typical friendship.
I get caught in the scenario where we're watching television and they ask the dreaded question.
�So, how was your day with so and so?�
It was fine. Why do you ask?
�Well, I was just wondering. Ok, we�re friends right? You say that we are JUST friends. There are some times I feel something more. I feel like we have found some sort of connection. A glimpse of hope in what could be something much more, but you say we are friends. You keep an arms distance. You keep from falling in too deep. You keep yourself detached from any emotional involvement. I�m just trying to understand this whole situation.�
*Uncomfortable silence*
What, are you waiting for me to say something?
�No, no, but I was wondering, are you friends with him? I mean, if we are friends and he is also your friend, is he the same TYPE of friend?�
Oh crap!
Ok, please don�t ask me to assess the situation. I have much more on my mind right now and I can�t deal with this shit.
(Would you still be asking that same question if you knew I would not be here tomorrow?...)
(Oh, forget it. That's another topic completely and I'm not going to discuss it with you)
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You ask what brought about this conversation? Well it�s bound to happen sooner or later.
I was trying not to think about it, but it popped in my head again last night while I was sleeping.
I had a dream that sent me five or ten years into the future. I had a kid, but instead of being married I was all alone. I was alone with a possibility of being engaged but still so alone.
I had this conversation again with a guy and I woke up crying. Crying and thinking, when will this conversation end with a more than a forced solemn feeling of contentment?
I�m not going to think about it. I�m going to convince myself that I�m fine.
I�M A PIMPSTRESS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!
I DO NOT GET ATTACHED!
Not so convincing huh?
Well maybe we will just have to discuss this later.
* (As I press the palm of my hand to my eye as if I have had a sudden brain freeze for no apparent reason, waiving my other hand in the air as if to motion you to go about your business while I break down and concentrate on acting like I am not affected by anything. I am a stone wall dammit!) *
Please..... Please don't make me expain myself. Please don't make me do this.
Don't try to compare me to anyone you once knew or wanted to know. I'm not her.... I will never be her. I'm.... Damn.
Don't ask me about my lost loves, don't ask me about soul mates or tainted intentions and lost dreams....
Don't push me into a closet. This isn't even my house, and it sure's hell isn't my closet...
What is this? What is it between the two of us?
If I'm the one who listens all the time, I'm the one who remembers everything, why am I the one who feels she knows so little about YOU.
Why do I seem so lost at that very moment when it is most important?
I could wake up in tears right now, and realize I know nothing about you.
and these puzzle pieces you have just handed me just don't fit.
Are you sure these pieces came out of the same box? ....
(Then, just then my friend turned to me and said, "Why are they all so in love with you? Why so smitten? What power do you hold?... I can only say I am happy for the time I have spent with you even if tomorrow never comes)
