12:11 P.M.
I could be married right now. That thought hardly ever wakes me up in the middle of the night but I had some strange dreams last night�
I had a dream that Richie and I went to the mall to go shopping for someone's gift. The whole time we were shopping I kept looking at him wondering, "How the hell am I going to get this guy back into my life again?"
I.
Then I had a dream about Vinny. I was living in this neighbor hood I lived in when I was 7. We were waiting for a pizza to arrive and I was sitting on the couch with him talking to him about Colorado.
I didn't tell him I missed him. I didn't tell him I loved him, and I didn't offer to ease his worried mind.
I sat there looking at him smiling wishing I could tell him everything I ever wanted to say while we were together.....
I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep.
I woke up relating the two guys because they had reacted the same way to a statement I had made.....
After I was with Richie for over a year I told him I loved him. He laughed at me and walked away. He got in his jeep and drove home. He called me later that night and said, "Kelly, I'm serious. I do love you. But I can never tell when you are being serious. You said you loved me but you are always sarcastic. Don't say it if you don't mean it."
After a statement like that I felt like shit. Why should I have to validate my profession of love. It took me this long to say it didn't it?
C'mon...
I vowed never to tell him I loved him again, things went down hill from there. Even after I told him I would spend the rest of my life with him....
Then there was Vinny. Man, did I fall hard. We had been separated for 2 months and it was the hardest 2 months of my life. He came over one night to thank me for the sympathy card after his brother had passed away. I told him that I wanted to be there for him. I would do anything to make him happy. I told him I loved him and he walked to his truck and drove away....
He did not call. He did not write, and to this day we have never talked about it again....
When we dated he would say, "I love you." all the time, but I never said it back because I was not totally sure.
I don't say "I love you" unless you are the center of my universe. I say it when I can commit to the thought that you will always be the center of my universe and I can't see myself ever looking at another man again. I say it when I mean it. I don't say it to make you feel better, or to pacify your ego....
I've never really had a real positive reaction to the statement of love, so I don't bother with it anymore...
I've loved a few guys since Vinny but no one would ever know. No one ever knows without a shadow of doubt.
My sarcasm always invites a shadow of doubt into every conversation I have. No one is ever sure about what I mean when I say things...
I love my friends, they are the closest thing to a real family that I have.
I would tell them that I love them, but instead, I say "Thank You".
