5:38 P.M.
~"ASHES TO ASHES, AND DUST TO DUST, THAT'S WHAT HAS BECOME OF MY LOVE AND TRUST!"~
Will I ever wake up one morning and not feel an ounce of hate in my heart?
Is it possible to live life without hate?
I ask myself this question as I whole-heartedly wish Ryan would get hit by a semi!
I HATE YOU RYAN!
Ryan you suck!
I was listening to all of my Ben Harper CD�s today and when I heard him sing, �Burn One Down,� I thought of YOU RYAN!
FUCK FACE!
I HATE YOU RYAN!
I wish I were taking Brad Pitt, or Ben Affleck to the show. I wish you would see me with some hot guy and realize that I�m more than the silly girl you make me out to be.
Gabriel was right, if I were actually over this I wouldn�t be so pissed.
Will I ever get over my grudges? They seem to come and go?
Trying to find someone to go to this show with has been hell. I�ve racked my brain trying to think of someone who appreciates his music as much as I do.
When I rack my brain for an escort, I also find more bitterness underneath my content facade.
I don�t want to be bitter, it just happens.
I feel like I deserve something a little more�
First I�m pissed at Ryan, and then I realize that he wasn�t actually my first choice of people to bring to this concert�.
1. I wanted to bring Jamai� but I have no way of finding her.
2. Lauren also loves Ben. I wanted to bring Lauren, but I felt weird asking at first because she just had a baby and I didn�t want her to feel strange or uncomfortable being away from the baby. She later brought it up that she would have gone and I wanted to shoot myself in the foot for not asking her sooner. I called today and she said she�s working. I�m such an ass.
3. I hear �Steal My Kisses,� and I still think of James. It breaks my heart to hear that song. He used to play it all the time in an effort to calm my performance anxiety when I was such a prude.
4. Nicky, I don�t remember how much he enjoyed Ben, but there was some sort of connection. I remember hearing "Roses" all the time while I dated Nicky.
5. There was Troy, the guy who was my best friend. There was a night where we sat on his couch just talking and listening to great music for hours.
6. Ian, he introduced me to one of my favorite Ben Harper songs. He�s probably married by now. I haven�t seen him in at least 2 years. (I really hope Ben plays, "Forever", "Waiting on an Angel", and "The Gospel" tonight. I love those songs)
7. Billy Bad Ass, He's the perfect person to take to a concert, and he�s got great taste in music!
8. Heidi, she likes Ben's music. She has a newborn baby and she can�t really get away for more than 2 hours at a time. The concert may last over 4.
9. Then there were guys in my past. Those guys who never panned out. Silly guys who said they liked Ben. They probably only said they listened to Ben in hopes to get a piece of A$$. Those stupid guys I wanted to set at the center of the universe to impress them like they had never been before.
10. Ryan, here you are at number TEN. You were last on the list but first on my mind at the time when I actually went out and purchase the ticket. We used to have great conversation, and one thing we could agree on was our taste in music. We may like him for different reasons but I'm pretty sure Ryan enjoyed Ben very, very much...
FUCK YOU RYAN!
At this point I would rather take a stranger who actually appreciates Ben�s music, but I think I�m stuck taking mom, who doesn�t even really want to go. She�s never good company, and I don�t honestly think she would appreciate it. She would rather lecture me on the other things my money should have been spent on. Besides, mom has only heard the softer music that Ben has played in the past�
Why do I always feel so fucked right before a concert? Why is it so hard to find someone to go see a show with me?
And when will I be able to honestly wake up and walk away from the bitterness and regret in my life?
