1:50 A.M.
I�m upset again because things just haven�t gone as planned�
Once again I did not get MY way�
If I were honestly doing these things out of love I would not feel so frustrated....
I would not feel so let down; I would not be jealous or envious of the person who is actually attending the concert WITH Ryan...
I would be happy that he was going to see the show. I would be grateful to spend any other time with him.
But what I have done was for my own reasons... I purchased those tickets in attempt to create a moment. I wanted to create a moment that did not presently exist on it's own.
I would have to fabricate the perfect date in hopes to woo him, or sweep him off his feet...to be the best friend I can be...(as I have tried time and time again, weather it be with Joey, Kitty, or any other number of men) But the truth is, Ryan does not want me to sweep him off his feet. Ryan doest NOT want to fall in love with a girl like me....
He wants me to feed his ego, and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to stick around for the long haul...
Glen called tonight...
Each time I talk to Glen I feel closer to God. I feel he should have been a minister, I honestly feel his opinions affect and touch those who are close to him... He is a brilliant man with so much insight into the soul...
I opened up "The Book" and found something to remind myself that I need to get my priorities straight...
I need not fall into this infatuation I keep stumbling into...
I need to STOP LOOKING for Love.
It will find me when God feels I am ready for it....
He will open my eyes when it is time.
It's all about timing...
I could know the "love of my life" at this very moment and not know because of the blinders I have so intently been wearing...
I quote the words that enlightened my soul
"Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envois, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand it's own way. It is not irritable or touchy, it does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong"
It is not my job to monitor other people.....
"It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone you will be loyal to them no matter what the cost..."
Ok, that last line about loyalty, when am I going to find someone who is as loyal as I?
Do they exist?
It goes on to say,
"You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him."
I long to find this.... Will I ever have enough?
Does it exist..? God please send me A real.... BIG LOVE....
