2:35 A.M.
I don't want to feel so alone right now, but I can't bear to be around the people that make me feel less alone.
Orion passed away tonight. I tried to go out and forget my sorrows... I drank until there was nothing more my body could take.
It wasn't much compared to what John, Lisa, and Kim could pound down, but my body threatened to throw itself in reverse if I took even one more sip....
We went out to Fridays for dinner. Ryan noticed me and asked if I would hang out tonight... but I'm not surprised that he never called.... He's not as interested as I had originally thought...
After a few hours of Fridays, we hit up the bowling alley for some cosmic bowling... Some fun?.... not really, but it was better than sitting in my room, staring at the corner Orion used to sleep in...
I've never been good at bowling, so it is difficult for me to enjoy....
I'm home now, listening to "Black" by Pearl Jam....
I love this song!
Funny, everything inside of me right now feels black. It feels black and empty....
Today will scar me for life�
I can�t handle death�
I would give anything to feel good at this point� ANYTHING�.
There are so many things I need at this moment, this very moment, and all I can do is cry�
I can't get the thought of him dying out of my head.
Finding him motionless in his cage�.
How can he be dead?
He was fine just a week ago.....
If I knew hamsters were only meant to live for a few years max., I would have never gone out to get him.
He was my first pet since Nikki died.
He was the only thing my parents would let me have OTHER than a fish, and he was great.
He was so much cooler than any other pet I've had. Every time I saw that silly Blockbuster commercial, I would think of him, and how he would dance along the glass of his cage every night, just begging me to hold him or let him run around free.....
I loved that little fat man like any other friend.... He was so great.
He could always bring a smile to my face when all seemed lost....
Why is this so hard to deal with?
Why can't I just deal with death already....
So many have died, I should be used to this by now...
