8:55 P.M.
Blasphemy�..
My own ideas of reality have been distorted by �the game��
So what� I�ll start over again�. I�ve got a whole lifetime ahead of me�
It�s this situation where I like this guy. Finally get into him, and he realizes I�m a waste of time� or he�s afraid of me like usual�.
�Kelly I�m afraid of you, dunno what I�m goanna do�.�
This is cruel and unusual punishment.
I don�t want anything that is handed to me on a platter. I figure that my day-to-day life is routine enough, so I need SOMETHING to fight for. I need something to validate my existence already; I think that is why I invest so much time in unrealistic expectations�. Especially when it comes to guys�
I love guys, guys are great. Lately plenty of guys think they want to get to know me better� But what the hell does that mean?
�Get to know me?�
naw�
I don�t want to work so hard for something and end up standing alone waiting for the phone call where he says, �maybe I can make it��
Maybe is a huge let down� Maybe might as well mean NO..
I�m impatient and contradicting as all hell�
Enigma
He called me an enigma� And I think he actually means it�
He�s given up and I�ve never felt so let down�.
What is that defining point where a man decides to give up on me�
Is it the point where I stop calling..
The point where I call 3 times in one day�
The point where I tell him all my hopes and dreams?
Or the part where I say, �YES� and the sky is the limit baby�.
Maybe I just want a relationship to prove that I can have one... Just to prove that I won't wake up with 35 candles on my birthday cake... and all alone...
I could end up happy.... It COULD happen... I just need hope. I need to find inspiration.... Something that DOES make me happy, even when things are truly awful...
Why is happiness so hard to find....
Ok, If I can't have happiness just give me a brief feeling.... a flash... a glimpse where I feel content with where I stand...
I won't lie. I'm a bitch.... But there was a moment last Thursday. Where Matt held my hand and escorted me down the steps.... It made me wish I had that more often....
I don't want it from just anyone... Hell, I could come clean and say it doesn't come easily... But Even I can't listen to myself sometimes.......
My thoughts are scattered....but, I wrote it down, and it suddenly made sense...
�He wants me to take his phone calls thankfully�
As they come in random spats
He cannot, he will not�. take me seriously
And it�s left me where I�m at
Wondering why
Wondering when
If he�s just another guy
Why does it hurt so much to hear... �Just Friends�.���
By Kelly T.
