8:53 P.M.
It's Easter...
Of coarse I think of James...
He colored eggs for me....
He cared about impressing me...
He called when he said he would call...
He totally blew me away a few years ago when he brought me an Easter basket...
He just showed up out of no where, and surprised me...
It was the best feeling...
(Then I think about guys who really piss me off.....total regrets... Red Neck A$$ Hole, I spent last Easter at his families house and I won't even go into the recap of that one again because I'm sure it's in this diary somewhere....
F*ck him!...)
Ok, I'm not bitter...
I watched "Sweet Home Alabama" again tonight.
There was a part where this girl goes to visit her old coonhound in the dog graveyard...
I thought about James... I was with him when he bought his coonhound. I rode in the truck with stinky slobber bones and I feel I got to know him pretty well in the 7 months James and I dated...
That dog was a nut.
But watching the movie as a whole was rather sad...
It's depressing.
Since I have spent more time with Matt, the more time I spend with him the more he seems to remind me of James.
He looks nothing like James, but he does share the same attitude about drinking.... CONSTANTLY....
Every time I have spoken to him since we've last hung out he feels that he has to mention how DRUNK he was just a few hours ago...
I DON'T GIVE A SH*T! I don't give a DAAAAAAAAAAAMN!
C'mon.
Why, oh why can't I find perfection?
If I were to stop right now and judge Matt's character, of coarse he would fall into the same category as James, Nick, or even Ryan.....
The guys I was into.... We shared common interests.... The same passions, but they seemed so distracted by their own addictions...
It's like their whole life revolves around a plan to get f*cked up...
A plan that they DESERVE to be f*cked up as long as they complete their short list of tasks they have made for that day...
I don't want to end up with a drunk, and I sure's hell don't plan on spending time trying to "inspire them to be a better person�. I'm not out to save anyone...
They are great guys deep down; they have so much potential...
And another factor they shared...
Intimidation... They are intimidated by my need to take care of my own damn self.
I don't need some guy to protect me from the world...
I don't need a "daddy"...
But then again, they want to provide something of that sort, and I just don't value it as much as they would like me to...
And they don't want girl friends.... They want mommies....
I think about it, and the other thoughts that drift into my mind right now totally suck...
I'm not so bitter, but....
The guys I have been into lately couldn't care less about calling me back, and the other ones that I'm sorta into do stuff that makes me nuts so I don't spend as much time on them...
It's a double edge sword really...
I won't go into it because it's boring, and I'm actually trying not to think of this crap anymore....
I need a distraction...
Ryan called, he made a comment... He said that he was worried about me because I called 3 times today....
"I saw that you called 3 times are you ok? Is everything alright? I was worried about you so I called you back..."
I couldn't tell him what I was really thinking...
I would have liked to say, "Yeah, A$$Hole! I called, I WAS TRYING TO GET A HOLD OF YOU! I called to say Happy Easter....STUPID BURNT OUT FUCK!"
But instead I said, "Yeah, I was trying to get a hold of you...."
"Is everything ok Kelly?"
Yes it's fine..."Well, Kell, I'm at work. I'll be working late but if you wanna go get some drinks later I'm going to a bar in Clearwater.."
Ok, well go back to work Ryan... Happy Easter."
CLICK!
A$$ Hole..
Why do I care?
Most everyone called to wish me a Happy Easter...even Gabriel..WOW?
Why does that cat call? If he's totally not interested, why does he call? It's not like he cares about the things I say.....
G*d send me a distraction...Send me some validation... Let me know that I'm not alone here.... Show me that love is real....Send me a sign...
I just sit here, obsessively listening to Kayce and JoJo sing, "crazy, crazy, crazy, just thinking about you baby....."
I love this song...
I burn a candle and get cleaned up and ready to go to bed.....
