1:20 P.M.
I've been so confused lately.
Sometimes I think I know exactly what I want when it comes to men, but as soon as I think I have attained what I really, really sought after, something better comes along and kicks me in the face...
Issues, Issues, Issues..... They are endless......I've also got a problem with my heart not exactly being compatible with my head.....
It's kinda like my heart is the General Manager of this huge company, and it has never had any sort of training for it's job title, nor does it care to have managing skills....
My head is like this straight "A" student who decided to take a career as a janitor. Sure, once upon a time grades meant something... but grades only get ya through few obstacles in life.... Sure, my head could be a manager, but it's gone and decided that it doesn't really like the hassle of telling others what to do. It would rather just go about it's own business, watching in the background, it would much rather live vicariously through the mistakes of others .... I tend to follow my heart.....
It is this situation that poses a problem....Leaving my head to clean up what ever damage my heart may have caused....
Last night when I heard that song "Damaged" it hit me in an all-new way...
Last night I thought a bit about the situations I had almost fallen into in the past....
Weather is was a crush on a married man, or a drunk who doesn't even notice I'm alive most of the time, I keep wanting the things that I'm pretty sure I won't get.
It's like a challenge, my heart needs a challenge...
But Matt?
I don't know how much of a challenge he would be.
It doesn't really matter because he lives 40 minutes away, but part of me wants to get to know him better.... (My heart)...
While part of me is saying, "Forget aboooot it!" (My Damn Head).
I have so many things that seemed so perfect before he came dancing into my life....
So much I didn't WANT to change, so why did I go out last night...
Why did I venture out to find the BBD?
(Bigger Better Deal)
Why do I care about finding someone who completes me? I'm still young, I have plenty of time to waste my life away falling in love.... RIGHT?
Right...
I only did it because of a conversation I had with Mad Dog.
The conversation popped into my head last night when Matt called and told me to meet him in Harbor Island....
(Mad Dog had mentioned going to hang out in Harbor Island in the near fuure....I had never been to Harbor Island... He mentioned that right after he had said he was going to live life to find the good things...)
Mad Dog had told me not to miss out by saying "Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda.... "
Go out and really live each day like it's your last.
Don't worry about messing things up with preexisting conditions, just Do It, or Be it... and don't look back, don't regret, just take it for what it is....
An experience that could be better than anything.... And I want anything that is better than the slump I'm in now...
But for now, for today, I will go and rest�
The Red Bull seems to slowly be making it�s way out of my system�
