11:38 P.M.
Diary~
I am not sleeping!
I finished reading 12 tonight. I didn�t really like the ending. It was morbid.
And I was restless after reading the book, and so full of something�..anger? spite? I�m not sure
So I turned on the TV. I was hoping to distract my mind from my own bitterness connected with that book.
One of my favorite movies is on. �You�ve got mail�.
It quickly changed my mood, and the mood change did not make it any easier to sleep, so I decided to write this down..
I was hit with a sudden revelation�.
Watch me contradict myself for just a moment�
I used to light up, my heart would skip a beat each time I would see Zach�s screen name online. but we had a falling out around this time last year..
I finally figured it all out. I know why I snapped on Zach. It�s taken me a year, but I�ve managed to figure out my own feelings about the matter.
I took things too personal, I let myself become attatched to someone a million miles away, and it made me vulnerable�
I felt estranged, and it started with a conversation. JBV told me about a conversation he had with Zach one night. He made me feel like an idiot for liking someone so far away, he was someone that I DID hardly know. But I felt I knew so well. He had taken all of my online quizes, and told me so much about himself...Oh, C'MON! For Pete�s sake, I hadn�t even kissed the guy before. It was just some kind of electric connection...
Ok, him and JBV had a conversation around Thanksgiving last year, where I appeared to be just a joke to him, but I was judging that by their conversation�. Not by anything Zach had actually said to me.
I was crazy about him.
He seemed like the most adorable creature I had ever met. He could have been as ugly as a monkey, it didn't matter.
I only knew him through the Internet, and our correspondence, and the way it felt when I first met him on my summer trip to Ohio.
It was hard to explain.
After that stupid conversation, he assured me that I wasn�t a joke and that he anticipated seeing me just after New Years, when he would travel to Ft. Lauderdale.
At first my job, my work, was very important, and I didn�t want to take time off to drive down to see him because he was with the swim team. I knew he would be busy but he assured me that we would spend a little time together when he wasn't with the team.
He called me the first night he was down there and told me that he anxiously wanted to see me again. I told him I would pull some strings to come see him. He seemed so excited about it�.
It�s a long drive from here, but I decided at the last min. that I would take some time off of work to go see him.
I called Heidi up and we headed down to see him.
We listened to music that reminded me of him in one way or another. I was so psyched. I was glowing the whole drive down there!
We arrived and he walked right up to my car, I got out and gave him a hug.
The only problem was that Heidi and me had to go back out to cash her check. It took nearly 2 hours.
When we checked in, the hotel assigned us the wrong room. We should have taken that room, but we switched into a room with 2 beds. The room we ended up in was soooo gross. It was humid and freezing. The water was yellow, and so stinky. Sulfur and urine don�t even compare to the wicked stench. When we finally got settled in, I asked Zach out to dinner.
He said that he had some things to do and then he would call me.
He didn�t call, so Heidi and I did our own thing.
He seemed like he couldn�t care less that I drove down there to see him.
and he seemed nervous around me.
Was it the fact that I had cut my hair, or dyed it blond? I may never know�
Our second day there, Heidi and I spent the majority of the day in the laundry mat because she had stained the sheets and we didn�t want to lose our security deposit.
SO I didn�t get to see him any time during the day�
Well the next night I tried to make plans again, he blew me off, so I went out with Katy to Olive Garden. I would have much rather taken him out, but he ignored me.
I started to feel stupid for driving all that way to meet a guy who seemed so perfect in all of his emails.
Heidi and I did our own thing most of the trip because he had practice the majority of the day,or he was busy.
But even when he couldn�t find time to hang out, JBV, and Stinky McFinky still made time to chill for a bit.(they were seniors on the team)
Finally, the last night we were there I made a point of telling him it was our last night there, and I would really like to see him. He said he would try to hang out, he said he'd call. He never called.
At the last min, JBV came by and said that a bunch of the team members were going to grab a bite to eat.
Heidi and I were all about it.
We felt that the whole trip didn�t have to be a waste�
We went along with it.
We got ready and headed up to this place upstairs from a bunch of shops.
First JBV, Heidi, Me, and Jay hit Fat Tuesday. I had a lot to drink. Way more than I thought I had.
So I was a bit giddy.
Zach showed up with some girl who was on the swim team. He sat at the other end of the long table. He wouldn�t even look at me, let alone say hi.
I felt like such an idiot sitting there. I felt like everyone knew that I drove 6 hours just to sit next to him so he could ignore me. I felt like shit!
After dinner JBV invited us up to his hotel room that he was sharing with Stinky McFinky and a few other swimmers.
I was hesitant at first but we went anyway.
Zach ended up showing up and the air was so thin, and tight in that room.(maybe that doesn't make sense)
It was like sleeping on the cold floor, in a sleeping bag, just knowing that there are poisonous spiders crawling around on top of you waiting to bite you at any moment. I was so uncomfortable. I felt pressure all over my body. I thought I may have been having a panic attack. But I chose to ignore it. What better way to ignore a panic attack than to run your mouth for no reason right?
RIGHT.
I videotaped our little party� Where I was the JOKE of honor�forget guest of honor, I was a joke.
Just a few days before I drove down to see Zach, I was totally sure he was psyched to see me.
I wish he could have only saved me from saying something I will torture myself about for years to come�
I don�t remember exactly what I said, but I�m sure it was uncalled for and obscene.
And if I really wanted to go back and relive my moment of severe mortification I would have saved the tape�
JBV and Heidi had come up with a plan to get us all back in a bar drinking beer until all hours of the night.
I left first and they were supposed to follow me with my video camera. I went back to the room and stayed in the bathroom for a while, trying my hardest not to cry about the whole situation.
It was too late, I had dug myself in too deep.
Heidi, JBV, and some other girl went out for drinks while I sat in my room crying. Crying for hours by myself. Wanting so desperately to call Zach to apologize.
I had spent the last few nights up thinking of what I wanted to say,
I thought I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but when I said something, it had nothing to do with what I really wanted to say. I behaved so badly, when I had the pleasure of saying something rude to him, remorse immediately followed and I was hurt more than I was before I opened my big fat mouth..
Anyways, the next day, my goodbye was short and bitter.
I ended up being so distracted on my way home that we got lost and added about 2 hours to our already long trip home. I listened to Usher sing, �you�ve got it bad� on repeat nearly the whole way home and cried my eyes out.
When I got home my eyes were so puffy that I couldn�t keep them open.
I couldn�t get him off of my mind for the longest time. Until I met Ben. When I met Ben I realized that I do still have a chance to meet someone who blows my mind.
And Ben, he was easier to get over because I know that there is no chance we would ever end up seeing each other again.
Even after I met Ben, it didn�t take me long to get over the short time I spent with him. I still go out and meet new people all the time, and I have no real plan to move to another state to be with someone I shared a single great moment with�
Life is full of those times where you get lost in �one great moment�.
To save face, I had decided that being �friends� with guys I share a moment with would be a good idea. I could save myself from any future humiliation by doing this. Even thought I tell myself we are friends, I miss them more than words could possibly say...(there's a contradiction for ya)
I apologized for my actions, and feel better now that he had heard part of my thoughts�
I�m over it, but I know why I reacted the way that I did now.
I felt like a fool, and then acted like one when I felt there was no way to prove otherwise.
It�s no excuse and I hope I�m never in that situation ever again�
