9:35 P.M.
I went to catch one of the new flicks at the theater.
It was pretty good.
I've always had a tiny crush on Hugh Grant....
It made me think back to when I was indispensable...Now I'm pretty much replaceable in every aspect of my life...as I have kept most everyone at an arms distance. Priding myself in the ability to detatch myself from certain things that make me dedicated to one person, or thing..
The movie also got me to wondering, "Have I ever really been in love?"
I guess it's a good question to ask myself now that my New Years resolution is to go off and get married in 2 months....
ha ha
But no, for real. I don't know the answer to that question. And right now, at this standpoint in my life, I'm not in love with anyone. Sure, I love some people who have crossed my path. But, NO, I'm not IN love at all.
I thought long and deep about it. I even considered driving by Vinny's parents old place to see if I got a puke feeling in my stomach anymore.
Probably not, and it's not worth my time now that I have vowed to go to bed early tonight, so I can work a full day tomorrow...
Ok, so no. Maybe I have never been in love. I'm second-guessing every single time I THOUGHT I was in love....Like the times with Vinny when I was infatuated. I was usually only infatuated when we broke up or took a break from each other. And How I felt so empty when for Christmas one year, he bought me addidas running pants and a ck t-shirt, When I had never expressed an urge to work out or dress in that manner. I don't remember what I got for him that year, but I know it had to be at least a bit more personal than that. I remembered the work out pants because the guy standing in front of me in line at the concession stand was wearing the same black work out pants. The pants that made a swooosh sound when you tried to walk. The pants that make you look like you have no ass, and bunch up funny around the ankles. I could tell he waited until the last min. and that he didn't really put an ounch of effort into my present. We were together for a long time too...So, there really was no excuse for the silly pants. I held onto those pants until just a few months back when Heidi came over to help me clean out my closet. I only held onto them for sentimental reasons, and I don't miss them a bit. The ck t-shirt, well that was ruined a long time ago. The day after he gave it to me I spilled cranberry juice all down the front and I decided to keep it in my bottom drawer until I could think of a use for it. I have no clue what happend to it....
And it seems every corner I have turned in the past few days leads me right back to where I started. Just a few days ago, I started thinking about Vinny. What has changed? And why don't I miss him at all?
So I am officially over him....after how many years? I'm over it.
It's a great feeling.
and now that time is going by, I'm not as lonely as I used to be either.
I wonder what kind of trouble Kitty is getting into in the Big City right now...or maybe not. Maybe I'm not really wondering at all. I think the wonder was forced for just a second. I wasn't wondering about anything at all, and it felt empty so I just took someone's name and slid it into the feeling I had....I needed to wonder about something, or I'm not existing...right? right...If I'm not wondering, I'm not producing any deep thought, right.....right...
Ok, here's something I'm pondering....The best Christmas gift from a guy. It was from Jim, the I love you necklace and the teddy bear. The best part about it was that it wasn't forced and the feeling was reciprocated..... I Still have both of the gifts..... when I thought about Jim last night, I think he may have been the only guy that I dated in high school who really did love me at one point. The rest of it was all bullshit. And, me, I remember I got him a T-shirt and a picture that Christmas. How impersonal is that. He was much better at sentimental things than I at the time.
I don't think I've dated too many guys around Christmas
Even better, I have never really kept one for Valentines either. I usually break things off because they get too mushy to bear around that time. Things just feel weird all of a sudden...
I think too much....
Ok, well it's bedtime, and I just can't turn my brain off, so I will try to tone it down by reading a book, wrestling my dog who insists on wiping her snotty nose on the side of my bed, and then, putting my jammies on...
P.S. I need to find something special to do for new years this year!
