8:47 P.M.
Diary~
I saw that she called on the caller ID and I decided to call her right back. It�s been about a week since I�ve seen grandma and the last I heard she was going through hell. This time it really is hell. It�s not something she has created or caused. She is really in trouble. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take all of her troubles away. It breaks my heart to hear her talk like this. She said, �Maybe next year, I�ll be dead. No one will have to worry about me. No one will have to come see me. I won�t have to do anything. And when I�m dead, I will make sure that the world knows that your aunt has put me through hell. She is killing me. I don�t know what I can do anymore.�
I started to cry���. Damn. I started to sob.
I wish I had someone to turn to right now, but I don�t know what I would say. I wish I just had someone here, a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to bend. But yet I feel I�ve bent Amy�s ear too much tonight. I�m pretty sure she�ll be sick of me soon.
My grandma is scared�
I�m scared for her too. She could lose her house, and so much more.
I don�t feel sorry for my aunt. She is NOT a victim of circumstance. She created this mess she�s in, and she�s taking others down with her. She makes me so sick.
I am so stressed, and there is nothing I can do because I am too emotional and sick to think.
I am so angry with my aunt. My throat is killing me, and crying does not help
She said that Aunt Mac and Uncle Clint are spending the Holidays alone. I cried harder. I wish I could go up and see them. They are great people. I love them all so much, and I wish they knew. I wish there was something more I could do.
I feel like poo, and my body aches in places I never knew could ache.
I have so much running through my mind that I can�t have a decent conversation. I was talking with Amy tonight at dinner trying to think of something that I can do to help her find the perfect job. I know so many people in different places and I know there has to be something I can do to get her into a great job. I don�t know too many people that can say they love their job.
I say I love my job. The truth is, I like the people I work for, and I love parts of my job. Part of me misses my old job too.
I went on talking on this silly tangent, I don�t think I was even listening to the words coming out of my mouth because they were so lame. I think I offended her when I was talking about being responsible for someone who works under you. I didn�t mean to offend her. Not at all. But when I saw her face, and when she snapped back with a comment about the army, I noticed how stupid I was. I�m an idiot. I would never demean her. I respect the fact that she was in the army for so long. She accomplished more than I could have. I feel like such an idiot, still�.. even after I changed the subject, I think she was still disappointed in my stupid comment. I don�t even remember what it was, but it was damn stupid. I got to thinking�.
I honestly don�t know what the perfect job would be for me.
I called on one job that Amy had mentioned. I called my dad�s friend to find out if his office was hiring for dispatch yet. He gave me all of the information and I passed it along her way. I hope it all works out.
It�s after 8 and I could go to sleep right now if I wasn�t so upset.
I wish there was an easy quick fix to make me feel healthy and happier right now�
I want to crawl under a rock.
I�m listening to Match Box 20, as he sings
�I bet you�re hard to get over
I�ll bet the room just won�t shine�..�
�����������..
There was a guy who sang that line so literally to me in the past. I�m sure he really meant it, and it tore me apart after he left�It still chills me to the bone.
Then he goes on to sing�
�I think you�re so mean
I think we should try
I think I can need, this in my life
I think I�m just scared, that I know too much
(Do I talk too much)
I can�t relate
And that�s a problem
I have a feelin if you�re gone, maybe it�s time to come home
There�s an awful lot of breathing room
But I can hardly move
�����.
There�s a little bit something me, in everything in you�..�
That is how I feel right now at this moment.
I never thought I would feel like this again.
I haven�t felt this way, or related to this song so much since Nicky said goodbye
I wonder what the new Matchbox 20 cd sounds like?
I�ve got a house full of family, now that my sister is in town, and I feel so all alone. I hate the holiday season. Why does it have to be so depressing around here. My grandma made sure to make a point that no one has money and this Christmas won�t be like the ones in the past�� Why does she have to make that silly comment every single year. It�s not about the presents�� Why can�t they just enjoy being together. Why does it have to do with money, why do we all spend so much.
I know what my excuse is. I try to use material things to show how much I appreciate my friends and family. I throw money around like it�s toilet paper sometimes, and I don�t even have any. I use credit cards to create my misery of being broke�On top of material things, I try to give sentimental things too� I make things, and purchase the things that were captured sometime in a single moment that I would like to relish forever�..
I try to listen and take care of people a lot, yet I still feel so selfish. I try too hard sometimes, and it hurts just as bad for me when things don�t work out the way they should for other people. They really do deserve better.
I�m so lucky for all that I have.
But I feel like I�m dying inside.
Do I have anything tangible to grab
Is my life more than another lie
Take all of the lies I once heard
Pretend that I�ve got something so good
Kick myself to the curb
Like no one else could
Take all that is so kind
Pretend what you offer me is pure
Leaving my self trailing behind
So ready to pawn you off as the cure
A cure for my disease
I call on you my friend
You offer me release
In this world where I am so free to pretend
I feel you become my defeat
I tell myself that I am finally free
In a world rich in deceit
I desperately take you in, losing sight of �me�
By Kelly T
