10:11 P.M.
Diary~
I AM PETER PAN!! It's the truth...I just won't grow up...
I think I just flashed some strange man my WHO HAWE! I didn't feel like getting dressed after the shower until it got cold in here. It was cold because the windows are open and so are the blinds....
damn!!
Crying, just a bit now...
I'm not ready to give any single person credit for making me cry...
Maybe it was hearing that Ryan could care less about having a friendship with me. He doesn't care about hanging out unless there is a chance I'll be in a bikini. All this time we were friends, (never even kissed) he only wanted a piece of ass...I guess it hurts just as bad each time I hear it.
It's almost Christmas and Troy (who is supposed to be one of my best friends) really does not want to come to the party.
I sent Chris the pics that he wanted and the response was less than pleased...I think he liked me better with blond hair...
Why am I still crying?
Maybe it's just the lack of oxygen...
I'm kinda depressed....
Ok let me say, Heidi you were right...right about....OH, so much!
Dad just came to the door to say good night, and I love you....I don't say I love you...not to anyone anymore. (Thank you Richy! and I'm sure that part of it goes back even further)I think the last time I said it was to my grandmother about a month ago. It felt strange. I meant it, but it was strange. Why is it so hard to say. Did Richy's rejection sour me for life? It's not like I would rather say anything else...I'm not saying, "I despise you". Last weekend when I said good night to the girl I babysit, she said "I love you Kelly". Yes, I wanted to cry...
I just have intimacy issues....I'm not going there tonight...
I should go to Java tomorrow night...I could blend in, because I swear that every time I go into a coffee shop I can find at least one person who is more depressed than me.
Kitty always talks about his sister. He told me about her site and told me to check it out in the past. I've read it over a few times. She's a great writer. She sounds like a really great person, but today, I read her latest posting. She posted a conversation that she had with Kitty..
I'll just say that I don't think she likes me so much, based on the fact that her brother lets me call him Kitty. She's disappointed that he is mushy. I don't think he "Lets" me do anything...Including favors of any kind..
Oh, I'll just let the conversation speak for itself..It's so cute the way that she teases him like a sister would. It's nice to know that I'm not the only person who loves to tease my sibling.....
MOO####78: fush u mang whos kelley
Bres#####0: and that was kelly earlier
MOO3###8: who where when
Bre####10: she is a girl
Br###10: woman
MOO##578: and then
Bre####10: she is cute
MOO####78: and then
Bre####210: and nutty
MOO####78: no doubt.. she hangs out with you
MOO####78: any sex?
Bres####0: she showed me a picture of her tonitewhen she had longer hair it was red, auburn
Br####10: HOLY SHIT
MOOE###78: ooooooo la la
Bre####10: We just began hanging out
Bre####0: So no balling yet
Bres###10: I like her a little bit
MOO##78: she will put the friend bbulshit to ya if you wait too long
Bres###10: She played that hand years ago
Bre#####0: won't work with me anyway
MOO####8: ooo ah friend years ago
Bre###10: I have been down that road
MOO##78: now you guys are steadily seeing one another
MOO####578: uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuh
MOO###78: keep going
Br###10: the last coupla weeks or whatever
MO####2578: ahhhhh
Bres###10: that is about it
MOOE####78: when you bone her tell me about i t
MO###78: is hse there now
Bres###10: No
Bre#310: she is home
Bres##10: She is a poet
Bres###0: has her own little blog
MOO###78: oh good i wouldnt want to put her off or anything
MOO####78: really let me have the site
MOO###78: c'mon
Bres####0: http://banefulvenus.diaryland.com/
MOO##78: cough it up kitty boo
MOOE###8: ehhh-
Bre###10: what
MOO###78: your kitty huh?
MOO###578: ewwww... dont make me call you hta t
Bre####210: please don't
MOO###8: you're the one who wanted me to
MOO###8: oh wait no you werent
Br###10: right
Bre####210: she was on my keyboard
MOO####78: damn
MOO####2578: hate that
Bre###10: I need the italian word for honey
MOO###578: look it up
MOO####578: online
Bre###210: I am
MO###78: stop writing poetry in italian
Bre####210: What are you busting my balls for
MOOE###78: because this chick cant write
MO####578: ooops sorry
MOO####8: i mean dont get too involved
MO####8: focus on your business
MOOE###78: fuck women
MOOE###78: they suck
Bres###10: RIGHT
Bre###10: Exactly
MOO###78: lol
MOOE###78: all you need is at least one good sibling and a lot of good friends
Bre###10: how would you pronounce il mieli
Bre###10: il miele
MO###578: ill meeelay
I don't know if I want to sleep with anyone right now.....now or ever? I guess I should let him know, but I'm sure he'll read my diary anyway. Maybe he'll read it and decide not to talk to me anymore... Just like all the other guys....They realize that I don't need sex and they just have NO use for me...They think...Who needs friends anyway?
I could hook him up with one of my many acquaintances whom I don't associate with...Specifically the girl that throws her ass out like it's candy on Halloween...ha..
Kitty�s' sister went on in her conversation to say that I can't write.
It's true. Ever since my last big accident I haven't been able to write well at all. I can't even focus. I have no attention span. I'm sure it's much worse that A.D.D.My brain is completely scrambled...like scrambled eggs..
reading her comments, in plain text kinda hurt. It came from someone I don't know, but still respect (because she IS a great writer)The feeling I had inside kinda sucked. She doesn't know I respect her, or her opinion of me....but she is right about the part that I am wrong for him...I'm a bad influence..
Of coarse I'm not mad. I don't even hold it against anyone...It only made me feel like shit actually.
You may be thinking, "Isn't that one in the same?"
No, it's not. I had my psych. prof. tell me that my term paper read like a dishwasher manual, but I still respected him because he knew what he was talking about. I hardly spent a day writing the paper, and I really didn't put much effort into it.
I don't put much effort into many things that I write up anymore....
I do wish I could still write the way I could before. I wish I would have gone to school to study journalism. I wish I would have taken, MORE creative writing courses.
I DO WANT TO PUKE......
These days I don't even use spell check in my diary entries and I'm sure I have random spouts of sentences that make absolutely no sense because I don't go back and check them....and better yet, I write run-on sentences that never end....
My asthma is bothering me a lot right now. I can't breathe. My throat hurts so bad....I can't swallow...
I could never be a writer.
I probably won't make anything of myself because I have no clue what I am passionate about anymore.
I don't even want to wake up in the morning. I wish I could sleep. I don't want commitments anymore. It's just a waste of life anyway. I'm totally faking it. I'm no good at my job. I'm not qualified and I only hurt those around me who expect me to perform well.
I thought I was passionate about something. even just a moment, where I'm looking into someone's eyes and their intentions seem honest and inquisitive...but it's always short lived.
Tonight while I was painting, dad was out in the living room. I don't remember exactly what mom had said to him but he looked like he was going to cry, and since that moment I have been waiting to cry. I know I haven't been around as much as I had planned to be. I wanted to be here for him. When I come home from work I go straight out or work on the stuff that I want to work on. And (I just started a sentence with "AND", so shoot me ;) when he comes knocking on my door, I yell, "WHAT!".
I don't know why my fuse is so short lately...
But that look in his eyes...I can't forget it right now...as I feel like shit...thinking, "cry baby, cry..." just like that little guy said in "A Christmas Story"..
I'm so over sensitive.
I'm actually considering not writing anything ever again.... I really do suck. And it's about time I found out....
and out of nowhere,
I just got an instant message from a stranger,
He says,
"Hello,"
I say, "Do I know you"
he says, "no"
and when I say, "do you know me"
He says,
"Do you"
No fuck face.....I don't know myself....If I knew myself I wouldn't be struggling with so much right now...so much that I don't want to go into...so much I want to cry about...so much I want to forget so I can get rid of this feeling of regret...
I'm fine.....
I only dream about driving off of bridges. I could never do it...
Why am I still crying?
Damn paint fumes...
