4:20 P.M.
Diary~
I spent about 30 seconds waiting at the stop light. My heart sank into my stomach. I was wrestling with that feeling that you get when you see an x that you had fallen for. I rolled up my window in an effort to avoid the chance that he would yell something at me. Then when the light turned green I realized that I was mistaken. It wasn't really him.
We haven't talked since Feb. or March. I don't know what happend last, I just know that it's hard for me to shrug it off and say, "Forget about it, it's in the past...." The way that he always said....The way that I said it every time I hurt him in the begining. I wanted to call him in the past and appologize, but I had no clue what I was appologizing for. So instead, I sent him a Christmas card about a week ago...
I came home and started writting again, this was just a rough copy. I don't think I'll spend time cleaning it up. I want to hit the grocery store....And I'm over it already....
You bring more cold with December
You bring a hint of sadness
All of the happiness I can remember
Left behind because of my own resistance
I guess I will never know
Because you seem to have fallen off the earth
All those feelings I did not show
Leave me questioning my own worth
I thought I saw you
Sitting at that stop light
I didn�t know what to do
Rolled up my window to avoid a fight
My heart may never mend
It�s all I ever wanted for Christmas
You�ll never get to love me again
And I never really gave you my best
My love was blind
And it usually falls upon those who don�t deserve it
Leaving me trailing behind
When I�m too afraid to commit
I sent you a Christmas card
Cause I couldn�t call you on the phone
Not talking has been so hard
And you make it difficult to be alone
I don�t want to compromise
It�s not something I�m ready to do
All you had to do was apologize
But that was never a big part of you
We tried to be friends in the beginning
And my heart never had much pull
You took all of the feeling I was submitting
I fell short of myself, and you made me feel full
I can�t go back
And it brings a hint of loneliness
I let you slip through the cracks
With very little resistance
I never considered you half the man
Until I was faced with all of your lies
I don�t understand
But I never really tried
Forgiveness never came easily in our past
Even when you said you were sorry
You tried to promise things would last
But you never really wanted me for me
You made me feel blessed
And I gave you a comfort all your own
When you started giving less
I knew I was destined to be left alone
Did we ever have something real
Will I ever find true happiness
Am I as helpless as I feel
Is this more than loneliness
So much you can�t relate
Do you love me any less
Now that it�s too late
And we are such a mess
I was never good at the mushy stuff
Because I never knew what I was faking it for
Tell me I don�t love you enough
Because I couldn�t possibly know you any more
Fighting with common sense
That tells me to just move on
Take what�s left of my innocence
And forget about you while you�re gone
There are times I tried to call
Even from an unknown number
I wondered if you have forgotten it all
But you never spent much time to wonder
This feeling feels like hell
This distance that sets us apart
There was a side I never had a chance to tell
And You had such a big part in my heart
I feel like I was just part of your game
Was it ever just you an me
I�ll never be the same
Knowing deep down, I could never be the girl you wanted me to be
By: Kelly T
