1:39 A.M.
Diary~
I can�t sleep��I'm so beat!!
I�m actually glad that I was watching, �Save the last dance�. By myself.
Life is short dammit! I can't stress that enough.
I don�t think there is another movie that has made me more emotional in the past.
I take it to heart.
I can�t stop crying.
I don�t want to talk about it, so I write�
I don�t know if it�s the romantic story of having to fight to be with the one you love, or having to fight an internal conflict within yourself. Dealing with loyalty for your friends v.s. the security of you own future. When does your lack of loyalty turn into just flat out selfishness?
I�ve struggled with both issues so many times.
I don�t want anything unless it�s worth fighting for�
The whole loyalty issue led me to hang out with a girl who helped me through hard times...She ended up turning into a psycho chick when we started hanging out after a long time apart. I forgave all of her faults the 2nd time around based on the fact that she was always there for me in the past when I needed a friend. She was the one helping take the heat when we caused trouble� I never want to go back to that�I know I mentioned some of this in my last entry, but I have so much running through my mind right now. I was hoping that getting it all out would help me not to feel so upset. And then there is the lamo fact that every time I have been passionately dedicated to one man, there is always someone, or many people to protest the existence of our relationship.
I look back now and the last time I felt like such an ass was about a month from today last year. I drove 5 hours to figure out that I was nothing but a joke to a guy that I felt I had such a strong connection to..
And just last night, I felt like an ass for even hanging out with Scott. I was the only straight girl in the entire club, and I did feel like an outcast. But I didn�t allow that to stop me from having a good time.
I had dreams abooot Scott last night, and when I woke up I had decided that I won�t be going back to that club again. It�s not worth having to look over my shoulder worrying if some drag queen is going to kick my ass�
I wish I could sleep.
This movie also made me think of how mad my friends were with me when my grandfather was dying. I missed Chrissy's wedding, I missed Erin's going away party, and Richy, well I missed a lot. I don't regret missing those things as much as I should, and I think that makes me feel selfish and a bit embarrased. I think that being there for my grandfather was the right thing to do. I didn't want to be anywhere else.
My intention of staying in tonight was so that I could relax and go to bed early. It�s almost 2 am, and I am too upset to sleep.
Struggling with so much right now that I don�t want to deal with yet.
I haven�t been feeling well at all, but it�s not a cold. I told Heidi of my lack of sleep the last time we were hanging out and she said that she knew that there was more to it than just lack of sleep. She said that she could tell there is someting bothering me. I haven't been myself since I got home from Colorado...Maybe I haven't been myself since just before I left for Ohio. I got so much bad news, and I didn't follow through with the diagnosis. It was pretty definate, but I put my hope in the slim to none chance that the doctor could be wrong...I'll deal with it when I can. I don't even want to talk about it.
It�s more along the lines of severe chest pains and I�m afraid of the diagnosis. I haven�t followed up on the my doctors hunches. It could be Cancer, heart problems, or a brain aneurysm.....The list went on and on.... My doctors office has called me a number of times asking me to schedule all of the tests but I'm terrified to find out that I may have more than asthma to worry about. My head aches haven�t diminished so I figure the symptoms aren�t going anywhere fast. I can still feel the swelling behind my eyes, and it gets worse when I bend down or lift heavy things...I can avoid doing that. I figure that even if I do have the serious problems that she thinks I may have, people live a long time with it� And it's not like anyone can catch it. I�m hoping that if I rest a little more this weekend things will get better. It only gets bad when I�m stressed, or low on sleep.
I�ve had 3 asthma attacks this weekend, and I just want to get back to normal before my party.
When I was babysitting tonight, both kids were sick. That isn't good for my immune system :(
I want to get �save the last dance� on dvd, and maybe the sound track. Even more than that, I think I may go out and get the KC and Jo Jo CD. I�ve loved their music since they were part of Jodeci.
I want to learn some new dance steps and finish some of the things I�ve started this week..
