2:41 A.M.
Diary~
I made it home alive.....
Tonight I called him to see what he was up to after I finished babysitting.
It's been so long since I've heard his voice. When he answered the phone, I screamed, "Kitty!!!".
I've changed his nickname. From now on in my postings, we will call him "Kitty". This nick name came from his statement he made in his blog. He said, "and the game of cat and mouse continues......:)"
It all started about a month ago. It's all in the journal. I was reading his diary post and he basically related me to every other girl that he had chased. Those girls that boys chase and "waste" their time on.
Sure, I was offended.
But even after I was offended I still wanted to see him and talk to him.....
But my pride wouldn't let me. There was something in the back of my head that was disgusted and insulted. So much so that it made me cry because he made me feel like I'm more of a bitch than I realized. I felt that for someone to say something like that about me, when I felt like I was giving so much......It felt pretty shitty!...
But how was he to know what I was giving. How when I wanted to see him, I would drive him where ever he wanted to go, any time he asked... When we first came into contact again I was so excited that I couldn't sleep. How I was dating Brian, but I was happy that he was leaving town for good because I could spend more time with Kitty. The fact that I hate cigarette smoke, and I'm so allergic to cats. I have to take benadryl just to hang out with him because all he seems to want to do is sit around at his place. He doesn't smoke, which is good. But his mother does smoke and it travels quickly into his room. The cats, well they are all over the place...
And then, there is that common thread that he shares with any guy I have become attatched to. I try to push him away so that I don't become attatched. I tried to find any single reason to push him away.
I don't even want to talk about the past right now...It's in the past...
On my way over to his house I was listening to an accoustic version of "If you could only see" It was stuck in my head all night.
When I arrived he looked as cute as ever. Jr. was sitting on Kitty's bed looking for rings on Ebay. He is getting ready to propose to a girl that could possibly be his true soul mate. When I heard him say that he intended to marry this girl associated words danced in the back of my head, " to have, and to hold, to love and to cherrish......till death do you part"
Will I ever find that? I know I thought I found it in the past, but will I find it again in the future?
We watched most of Harry Potter and didn't say much. At first things felt wierd because I knew that Jr. and Kitty were disappointed in my initial reaction to kitty's journal posting. The way I totally cut off contact and got upset over something so little...
I made a mountain of a mole hill?...
Then Jr. fell asleep. When he came to, he decided to go home to go to sleep.
When he left Kitty and I talked a lot. It was nice. He was actually sincere and not sarcastic like usual. We watched Moulon Rouge and he made comments about how he hated the music in the movie so much. Me, Myself, I like the music. I love Euwin McGreggor too. Durring the movie we layed there on the water bed. So comfortable, as I wished I didn't have to get up and drive home. I have taken so much benadryl that I feel like my eye lids should be propped open with toothpics. I've probably taken enough to sedate a huge cow! Or, maybe even an elephant?
It was nice, just laying there with him as he carressed my hair and rubbed my back. I know that I dozed off a couple of times durring the movie. I just wanted to stay...
Before I left he burned me a better copy of the Tonic song, "If you could only see". It was so sweet. He downloaded , "live and enhanced" wich is a tonic cd that I couldn't find in the stores...I'm listening to it now...
"Say you love, but you don't,
you'll give your love, but you won't
you know where you stand, give your heart when you can..."
I swear, that there is no phrase that could better describe me between the lines. I'm not too quick to fully dedicate myself to anyone....Then there are those times that I don't mind giving myself to someone. I tell myself that I don't care either way what happends. I won't get attatched, I'll just appear to be attatched, and I fall in deeper than I expected....And suddenly I'm smothered by ....love?
And when it comes to guys that I actually fall for, his friends see me as the devil. He has to defend our relationship. And my boyfriend finds himself saying,
"You've got to take a little dirt to keep what you love.....If you could only see the way she loves me, then maybe you would understand, why I feel this way about our love, and what I must do. If you could only see how green her eyes can be, when she says, when she says she lovvvvvves me"
I'm sitting here. still dressed and wearing my sweater. As my sweater has the faint smell of his cologne. Normally, he piles it on and wears way too much, but tonight it was just faint enough to enjoy...
But I have found my mind painfully dedicated to kitty many occasions. I don't think that it's healthy. I'm not going to dedicate myself to anyone right now. I have no clue what I want. I feel so unstable some days....
I'm not going to talk about it. I don't even know what I want from it.
I do know that when I read his diary in the past I wanted to puke. But now I'm talking about the past again. I literally wanted to PUKE! Maybe it's because I understand how he could feel that he was chasing me around. Then on the other hand I feel that I have my reasons for not committing to a label on what we could have.
Then tonight, he went on to talk about the one of his favorite restaraunts and his girls up there. He spends a lot of time up there. I suddenly lost interest in him. My attention and intentions took a sudden complete 180. All of the day dreams where he was the star...gone....crushed. They became even more forbidden and I felt more ashamed of them....I was completely turned off talking about the pretty girls that work up there. I really did want to puke.
Maybe it's because I feel that even though I seem superficial sometimes, it comes with being nervous around him. It isn't because I'm cold or mean, or insecure about it. I don't relate to girls like that. I don't relate to many people...
Maybe it's because I can't help but pay attention to detail and I find myself obsessing lately when I know that they don't care...
Which brings me back to how he always manages to change my mind.
How guys always say something along the lines to ruin my attraction to them all together...
I went over there with an intention of saying, "hey, I haven't seen you in a while and I tried my hardest not to call, but I missed you." I wonder how long it will take him to just forget about me...
He told me to call him to let him know that I got home ok. I haven't heard a guy say that since I dated James.
It was sweet. I do wish I were still there......
I didn't call, but I told him I would see him online when I got home if I got home safe...
I'm thinking too much with too much benadryl on the brain...It's not clear. It's obsessive and agitated for stupid reasons. WHich I don't even know they are the real reasons I am agitated right now....
All I know is that it felt SO nice to be there, that I didn't want to come home...I should go to bed, and when I read this in the morning when I wake up, I can always edit this entry, or remove it completely from the register...
