6:32 P.M.
Surreal Diary~
yes, surreal...
I'm telling you..... The whole day was a pleasant surprise.
I woke up and sat here wondering what the heck I'm going to do.
I picked up kitty and we hit the flea market. When we left my house I had intent of taking him to lunch but for some odd reason I lost my appetite or something? I still offered to buy him lunch but he didn't ask after I offered so I figured he wasn't all that hungry? I don't know...Maybe it's the cold weather, but I just wasn't as hungry as I should have been. I had not eaten all day and we were walking around doing stuff.. I was light headed and had a pounding head ache.
We went to Ybor to walk around at the art festival and I took him into my favorite store. I love that place. It's so much like Anthropology in Hyde Park. I love the candles, books, and the cute little gifts that you can't find any place else. I walked around smelling all of the candles, and so many of them reminded me of Ben and the smells of Colorado. I probably won't see Ben ever again, but I do remember how he smells. While I was in Colorado I bought a candle that smelled just like him. As I was walking around I saw a Super Man calender. If I had money I would have picked it up and sent it to Ben for Christmas. It had an old vintage comic strip of super man. Ben really gets into that stuff.
I wanted to find something in relation to cats to buy for kitty. I think it would be cute...
There is a local store called Tuesday morning that sells the same stuff as they have in Ybor, but for a cheaper price. I'm thinking of hitting it next weekend if I have any extra spending cash....
Mom called while I was Ybor to tell me to come to John's parents house for dinner. I told her it wouldn't be for a few hours and she said it was fine...
After Ybor we got back in the car to drive home and he quickly realized that my taste in music drifts further from techno and Dave Mathews Band on occasion....
I think he was probably turned off by the whole Shannia Twain thing...and then, Avril Levine, and a few others...He didn't really care too much for my taste in music.
On the way home I checked my messages....One from my aunt. She didn't sound happy. I don't know If I'm going to call her back. I was pretty offended the last time we spoke.
Then there was a message from an 813 number. As I listened to the familiar messages I anticipated hearing the message from the Tampa area code. Who could have called me?
Then, I heard his voice...he said, "Hey Kelly,(pause....) what's up this is Brian,(long pause....) I was calling to say hi and to see what you were up to, I miss you, I know I didn't call before I left to say goodbye,(Pause....) but I just wanted to know what you've been up to, and what you're doing, I'm comming to Tampa for a couple of days for Thanksgiving. I wanted to know if we could hang out, or whatever, can I see you, I miss you, You know my cell phone number, It's ......I can't wait to hear from you, I hope you're doing good...bye bye..."
Did my face light up with disappointment or anticipation? I'm not really sure. I just know that there was something flowing in my blood that made my skin all warm. I don't know if It was warm and fuzzy, or burning with fury.
I was so ready to forget about him forever. Hoping he would never call. I know that I won't call him... How the heck did he get my number, I thought I had changed it from the last time we had spoken?
Forget how he wanted to know so much about me, yet I kept things at a strictly physical level. A level that kept me from getting emotionally attatched in any way. A level that allowed me to put him up on the same pedistool as Hayden Christiansen (Anakin skywalker from star wars).
Why does he even care about seeing me over Thanksgiving break. His message made it sound like he actually wanted to see me ON Thanksgiving. I know he had brought it up in the past but I shrugged it off and let it go when he told me that we probably wouldn't have much of a relationship because he was leaving. I liked the threat of him leaving for good. It made it easier to let him go. Now he's back. I don't know if I want to call him back..
It's not that we left on bad terms, I just stopped calling him... I don't recall returning any of his calles durring the week that I knew he was getting ready to leave. He really didn't even have a chance to say good bye before he left. I didn't even let him. I didn't want to drag this out with a long emotional goodbye. I am so happy to have heard from him, but so confused as to why he wants to see me..... I thought that we agreed that things wouldn't work out... I thought he didn't want to see me anymore. I know I was ok with not seeing him, but now that he wants to see me, part of me wants to see him. Will it be akward. Do I just ignore the message and move on?....I just don't know what to do? On Friday night I was so excited about seeing Jim on Wednesday night, but I don't really care now...
Then last night, I was so happy to spend time with Kitty, and today....today was just as nice.
Tonight I headed to mom and dad's frends' house and My little sister came home to surprise them. John captured my initial reaction to my sister being home. He took a picture of my face. I was happy to see her home. Just the other day I remember thinking , it's too bad she isn't home, we could all go see the new Harry Potter flick.
While I was there John's mom told me a bit about this guy that she wants to hook me up with. Little Katy said that he's a real hottie. Just as good if not better than Ben Affleck. I'm sure that's nice. But I find it a little strange being "hooked" up with anyone. I don't know when they plan for me to meet this guy. I went over looking like shit today..
Oh my god!!
Brian just called! again. He wasted no time at all. I answered the phone while I was typing and I didn't even bother checking the caller ID.
He said, "Kelly!!! Oh my god girl, is that you!(then his words became so jumbled together because he was so excited) I miss you! I can't believe this, I miss you so much! I've been in Fort Rucker and I can't stand being away from you. I think of you all the time. I've only been alloud out once since I've been here. I can't wait to see you! I'll be comming in on Wednesday night and I have some stuff going on, but I want to see you SOON! Please tell me that you can find time to see me, at least once while I'm in town. I'll stay until Saturday if you want me to. You have to come see me in Alabama. I'm comming in this weekend, and you should come see me next weekend. It's only a 5 hour drive. Please say you'll think about it. Please try, I just got a 2 bedroom apt. and you can bring a friend if you want. We have so many hot guys up here, and I'm telling you that there are no girls as hot as you. I miss you so much. When are you comming to see me? what are we going to do when I come to town? How much time can we spend together?(while he was talking I ripped out a couple of hairs on my head one by one, and twisted them around my pointer finger. I pulled the hair tighter until the tip of my finger turned purple. I tried not to listen to him but he kept repeating himself over and over again...) My G*d, I can't believe that you answered the phone...(it wasn't intentional)..How are you Kelly? what is news? Have you thought of me at all? I've missed you so much, I think about you all the time..."
I finally interupted his excitement. I told him, "I'm fine Brian, I'm working now and I am in a position in this job where I don't know too much about the technical aspects, but if I get into the sales part of this job they may want me to go to Pensacola." He said, "No way! that is only 2 hours from me, please come see me!". I told him things are fine here, not much is news. Amy came back from the Army and the other night she brought up moving out together.
He said, "Well why don't you come see me first before you move out. YOu can stay at my place, you don't even have to get a hotel room. I miss you!"
He was just filled with so much excitement. I still can't believe it. It almost seems fake or forced. It would have to be right?
Then, he asked how my dad was doing and he wanted to know a bit about other personal stuff.I told him more about my job and how my boss used to fly helicopters for the Army too. He told me to tell my boss that I know a guy stationed in Fort Rucker. He said that if I brought that up to my boss, my boss would say that he hated that place too. he kept asking so many questions. Where is this comming from? .I kept all of my answers short. He gabbed on and on for almost 20 min trying to convince me to come and see him this weekend in Tampa.
Is this something I want to do? Before he left he told me a bunch of stuff and the last days that we spent together he was so insistant that I look him in the eyes when he spoke to me, when he asked questions, and demanded my most honest reply. I did think that was kind of weird comming from someone who agreed not to get attatched... What the hell is going on here? Before he left, I burned him a cd with all of the songs that I wanted him to remember me by. Every time he would turn on the radio, I wanted him to hear those songs and think, "Hey, I wonder what happend to that one girl Kelly". Well it worked....
Then he said, " If you take a flight up here it's only a 45 min flight. You can fly from Clearwater to Dothan, and we can spend the whole weekend together. I haven't met any girls better than you, I can't stop thinking of you, please come see me, I miss you!"
I just want to settle down in my semi normal life that I have been living the past few days. The life that lets me be myself for at least 24 hours just this year.
Why is this being thrown back on my plate.
Brian is supposed to be in Alabama forever....he is supposed to forget about me and move on with his life, get married and have a million kids with his supermodel of a wife...forever, and ever amen....
What ever happend to that?
I'm listening to Peter Yorn, he sings,
"Too many things I do not care for, the one thing that I adore, is a girl like you, I'll always try to look you in the eye, it's ok, with a girl like you.
Tomorrow, I think I'll tell you something, the thing that I haven't said, to a girl like you, and even if, I don't know what the day will bring, still I can tell most anything to a girl like you..."
Then another song comes on, he sings,
"Can we begin again, save it for another friend, I was happy in my life, I won't pretend. Every time you were expecting, to reach out and forgive this, I was hardened by the look upon your face....
It was easy when you were younger, you could put it back together, it was there if you ever wanted it, but you closed the door, and said goodbye for good..."
But most of all I think of Brian when I hear Pete Yorn sing, "You and I, were two of a kind, I hate to say it, but you'll never relate what makes you tick, it makes me smile. You say that I should get away from it all, and bury my head in the sand if I want to, I think you, should thank me now. You were lying wide awake in the garden..........And you're my baby, my baby,..... you're just another girl. Just another girl. I never run away, cause I have to see you. ........
The way that he used to offer his advice. He tried so hard to analyze me in the short few months we spent together. He tried so hard to create a connection. We were like two of a kind. He made me feel like he knew me, yet other times, I was just another girl, because he didn't want to get attatched, and neither did I.
I did say goodbye for good, I figured neither one of us were ready to hold onto something that was so guaranteed to crumble.. and it came back to haunt me. What the hell is going on? What do I do? Fuck, this is not going to be good on my lack of sleep!! Why is this so hard?.....
