1:30 a.m.
Diary~
I did go to the round up alone tonight. My body is still killing me from that zooooomba class . I won't be going back to take that class again...
I noticed my shoulder giving out in the middle of the wild west dance. The dj was actually dancing tonight (not Kmart, the older guy) he saw that I was less than ammused and made his way over to save me and get me off of the dance floor. He offered to buy me a drink but I had to decline. I probably won't be much use to Tammy tomorrow as I'm painting her house because my arm movements are restricted...
I sat there tonight in my chair watching everyone dance and I started to stare off into space. I didn't notice but I was staring straight in Mikes direction. What an idiot!! It probably filled his head with plenty of ideas because he did notice. He kept making faces at me . Man I'm an idiot!
I remember his friends name. I'm almost positive that his name is Shawn. He came over and sat by me a few times tonight trying to strike up a conversation. At one point he even invited me to go and hang out with him and Mike in the dj booth. I have no place being in that booth. Their girlfriends don't exactly come off as the most "secure" girls. They are probably just looking for a reason to kick my face in?... It just feels strange now that Mike and I are not dating and things have become a bit distant. I can't say that he was like other guys that I dated. I didn't even consider him a real boyfriend. We were more like friends just hanging out ... I don't think we even kissed more than 4 times... He makes me feel estranged in a silly left out kinda way now. Kinda like I'm the 3rd wheel. So I don't bother to ask them to hang out anymore. I did tell Shawn about the Christmas party and gave him an invitation. I invited them last year but Mike couldn't get the night off, so they probably won't come this year...
I can't get over it.
I was sitting in that chair for about 45 min. just staring into space. Thinking about where I was this time last year. I also thought about the fact that I would have had a lot more fun if ANY of my dance partners actually showed up. John never shows up on Sat. night. Scotty told me he was going to bed early to prepare for the Bucs game tomorrow...(For the first week he did not invite me, and I can finally go with him)..
When I think of where I was last year, I know I was in round up. I was probably in the dj booth. After the round up I was probably following Mike home, so we could play video games all night.
I guess I was still kinda dating a few guys back then.
There was "snot nose Ryan". I met him through Jovan one night. We all went out to dinner. Jovan, Brian, some girl, Brian's mom, and me. Brian was cute. He looked a lot like Ben Affleck.
Jovan gave Brian my number and told him to call me. We went out for dinner and his speech was less than impressive. He talked a lot about muddin' and huntin'...Then, Out of the blue he belched so loud the walls probably shook ...Then, he rolled down his sleeves on his shirt so he could wipe snot on his arm. HOLD ME BACK!!! I wanted to puke! I wanted to puke, right then and there!! Just thinking of it now, OH LET ME PUKE!!!
Then there was Jovan. I was kinda seeing him. No physical relationship, but he seemed so perfect. We just went out once or twice a week to really nice resteraunts. I think back, none of my relationships were physical in the least. He usually talked a lot about the other girls he was seeing. Then he would follow his stories with a sincere glance into my eyes as he said, "you know I love ya"...I couldn't tell, but part of me felt like he wanted to cry every time he said it. Like he knew deep down I liked him more than I said I did... I just didn't want to get hurt by anyone.... I didn't tell him a thing about the guys I was seeing, because they were never serious, and he tried his best not to ask about specifics.... I guess I was a mystery....
Then there was Mike. Nice guy. I loved the short time that I spent with his family. They were great people.
Most of the guys I've dated had great families. I spent most of my time last year with their families because they made me feel more at home than my family...
Even as I think of it now......... Even "Dork"...... he's got a nice family....His mom is great and I loved talking to her.
I'm still trying to think back to last year...
Who else? I know there had to be someone else I was dating... Oh, forget it..
I don't even know where I was going with that.
Maybe this year feels a little more stagnant. Nothing is moving. I'm not wasting time on guys that I know I'm not going to fall in love with. I'm not out dating them for the sake of getting to know them better when they have all these qualities that annoy me. Stupid pet peves..
Why do I have to wait so long to find someone to spend time with.
I think further back and Pete was the best.
We would just sit here and watch movies every night. Even on school nights, he would come over and we would watch anything.....even reruns of movies we've seen a hundred times.
I want someone to hang out with. Someone to share stories with. SOmeone to make me laugh.... Someone to amaze me for a change....Where are you mister wonderful?....
