4:28 p.m.
Diary~
I had dreams last night. Plenty of dreams, but none that I can recall.... The only thing I remember... I saw Jim in the mall. I wonder what ever happend to him? Did he ever pick his heart up and put it back together?...
I picked the dog up from the groomers and she still stinks! She stinks to high heaven.... worse than before!! She stinks like they washed her in SKUNK!!! skunk ass!! she smells worse than foot and ass....I came home and now I'm bored....
I was bored outta my mind all day today. I didn't bother keeping the phone line free. I've been surfing the net. I'm not threatened by a chance that I will get a job. I feel like doing something wrong just to mess up. I don't know what brought on this need for destruction. Maybe it's the feeling that things haven't been falling together the way I had imagined them. I surfed the net and found myself at a writer�s diary site. Her diary is pretty good. I read only a few entries and left to look at things I desired for Christmas online. She had a quote on her page that read,
"One must not lose desires. They are mighty stimulants to creativeness, to love, and to long life. "
- Alexander A. Bogomoletz
It's great! Just what I needed to hear! But where is my desire? Where is my muse? Why am I such a good muse to others, but I can't function as a muse to myself....
I have no clue what my desires are anymore. I need to get out and live already. One of her entries inspired me to save my money as soon as I get a job just to see New York City. Well, it was her entry along with the Billy Joel playing in the back ground....I have to make it to New York in the winter time. I want to see snow falling in Manhattan. I want to go ice skating in the city. Maybe I could find my much needed and inspired freedom in New York? Am I in a New York state of mind? Instead of traveling to Miami beach, I want to go to New York City!
I want to see a show. I want to eat at an italian resteraunt like the one that inspired Billy Joels' song, "Italian Resteraunt". I do love this song....
"Dork" had told me to read her diary so many times. I didn't listen. I don't listen to anything a "Scorpio" suggests. Based on the fact that I just assume they have their own ass on backwards. We live to argue. The same goes for a Leo... Leo's in the past have proven to be......well, something is missing with them.
I wish I didn't generalize people by their sun signs, but some people make it so easy . I should stop reading up on astrology. I never read the whole article. Only parts of the article. I figure If I read the entire article it would probably tell me how to avoid arguing with people I'm not compatable with...I'm just not compatable with Scorpio's or Leo's. There is no quick fix.
Speak of the devil; Ryan, (Get Nekked Ryan) is a Leo. He earned this secret nick name by mentioning the fact that he wants to get nekked almost every time I talk to him. He messages me every time I log on. It usually appears normal and friendly and leads to random spouts of sexually pent up tension. He keeps sending me strange proposals in his instant messages. It always starts out with, "Hey! What are you doing?"...I don't know what started this whole mess a few years ago. I remember when we met on James�s radio show, and I thought he was a hottie right away.
What makes him act this way now? Is it because he's seen me in a bikini? I used to think he was into me as a person, and now he just likes to play silly mind games. I don't even play along anymore. Does he really take them seriously?....
The last message that I can recall was sent to me about 30 seconds ago. He told me to call him tonight so we could hook up after I'm done babysitting. Just the other day he suggested that we meet at a house that he is watching. Then he went on to tell me that it's his ex girlfriends house. OUCH! What better way to exercise your demons? Hell NO! I've never been a girl of one-night stands and I'm not about to start by hooking up with a guy in his ex girlfriend�s bed. Hell no! Even though he sends me strange proposals I still like him. I think back to the times that we would hang out in Fat Tuesday. I would hang on his every word. He'll always be a hottie and so much more. Sometimes I wish we had more than this weird thing that we have between us. Wishing won't make it real....
I just want to drive around with the windows open blasting my favorite tunes, and singing along at the top of my lungs. I should be getting ready to go babysit.
My eyes seem hollow again today. I need to take a nap again. I feel yucky, and I think it's because of this rainy wet weather....
Maybe it will be nicer out when I get done babysitting and I can go out for a bit?...
