12:00 a.m.
Miserable Diary~
I just got off the phone with my aunt. She talked herself into circles for a few hours about how bad life really is. She wanted me to call her boyfriend, and if he picked up I was supposed to hang up. I told her I would not get in the middle.
I listened to her complain about homelife, and lack of jobs and her boyfriend.
She's not happy.
Then she went on to insult pretty much the whole family by saying that no one was by my grandfathers side durring his last minutes. I think back and I know that we all spent a lot of time with him. It was very difficult to see him so sick. I think of it now and I'm still crying. I found out what true devistation felt like at such a young age. Well I was over 18 and I was considered an adult but it still hurt like hell. I don't know if I ever got over it. It was the worst day of my life. I know I was there for him as much as I could possibly be.I feel bad for the sister that he left behind. She is in Dunedin but she is all alone. I wish I could be there more for her. I feel aquard talking to her sometimes because I feel that when I offer to be nice she always says don't bother. I wish I could be there more for people who push me away sometimes.
I miss my grandfather today. He meant the world to me. His memories still do mean the world to me.
I remember as a kid I felt more of a bond with my grandparents than I did with anyone else in my family. Maybe it's because they took care of me when I was younger? Maybe it's because they loved me so much. I remember as a kid wanting to accomplish something important to make them proud of me. I always felt like it didn't matter what I did to my parents so I respected my grandparents as the great people they were.
I Lost many things that were dear to me within one week.
When he passed away my best friend was moving to Colorado a few days following the funneral. My boyfriend decided that I wasn't good enough to wear a white dress to a wedding(I was insulted more than I had been insulted any time before that).
I remember telling my boyfriend how I felt about him. I told him that I loved him sooo much and he just smiled and laughed at me like I was some kind of joke. I was so in love.... I will never say I love you again, no matter what.
My grandfathers death is something I don't think I have completely gotten over. I don't know if I will ever get over it. I looked up to him. He was the perfect role model. He was a pilot for the airforce, he was a fire chief, he worked at the church as a handy man, he was a cop, he was a crossing guard, and so much more. I still look up to his accomplishments. The memory of him keeps me going on some days that I just want to throw the towel in. He overcame so many struggles and made so much of himself. I miss him so much.
I can't stop crying. I know I was there for him, and I know that he knows that I love him very much. I only wish he were here today.
He is the number one reason why I want to finish school. My grandmother often tells me that his dying wish was to see me graduate college. I know that he would be proud of me if I could finish what I started so many years ago.
He is an aquarius just like me. I was born a little over two weeks before his birthday.
Watching Pearl Harbor makes me think of my grandparents. My grandmother was a nurse and my grandfather a soldier. They were married for over 50 years. I want that happiness and security some day.
I want a guy just like my grandfather!
There are so many things that remind me of him. For example. Watching channel 13 news at lunch time. He did this every day. CNN. He loves that channel. The Chicago Cubs-they were his favorite team. Open Peanut butter, butter, and sugar sandwiches. Liver sausage. he liked that stuff. The smell of coffee in the morning. He drank lots of coffe. These little mints that you can only buy at the air base. Macdill Airforce base-because he took me there at a young age to watch the jets take off. I think of him when I hear jets flying by. We also used to go to the commesary to buy groceries. The smell of chlorine because he used to have to shock the pool. The smell of fresh cut grass in the summer. The smell of candy on Holloween. The smell of pine at Christmas. Christmas eve night and church. He had a lot of faith in God. He taught me that everything happends for a reason. Fresh orange juice and citrucel. Nat king cole, and Pappas resteraunt.
There are so many things that remind me of my grandparents. Like Pinwheel-the show that was on Nick. just before nap time. The price is right-my grandmother loved that show. I always wanted her to win a spot onto that TV show. She deserved it. The old game show card shark, wheel of fortune and 20/20, bananna cake, real italian spaghetti, he-man, shira, cold ham and swiss sandwiches, helmans mayo, fresh strawberries, the smell of new pencils, small dogs, baked chicken,Mac-n-cheese made the right way, lunch time BEFORE noon, skim milk, great home cooking, the smell of acorns in the fall, sleeping on the couch, sacrificing something for someone else, beef stroganoff, Scrambled eggs with ketsup, .
There is so much more, but I can't remember it all now. Thinking of all of those things did lighten my mood a bit. I miss him so much. I want to spend some more time with grandma tomorrow.....
While I was searching for something to write on I found all of the cards that were attatched to the flowers I have recieved in the past. The one that truely hit home was the card from Shanna. It read, "You are not alone, love you!" It reminded me that I am not really alone. I am lucky to have people who still care for me...I may not sleep a wink tonight but I'm almost inspired to get my life in gear for the better.......
