1:18 a.m.
Diary~
Oh, lordy....I'm not ready for this sort of thing!
Tonight I decided to drive to Port Richey to see him. The decision came shortly after I was looking through the pictures from last years Christmas party. When he showed up to the party he was the highlight. Everyone said that they were so happy to have met him. They said that me and him are the same person in two different bodies......Every word was nonsense, but I understood it all....
I drove to see him because tonight I was sifting through all of those photos. The photos brought back the memories of the feelings he gave me. The feelings I fought and tried to ignore. I Wrapped him up in denial to avoid my own emotions and acted like it didn't bother me. It was easy to ignore because he lives so far away...
I knew that he has qualities that I wouldn't actively seek out in a man. He smokes, and he's got so many strings in his life that I can't keep up with everything....
But tonight, I had to do it! I had to see him. I had to try to prove my point. I'm tired of putting this off for stupid reasons.
I finally met his mom. I've known him for about 2 years now, and I've spoken to her on the phone so many times.
At first we sat watching the Scorpion king, while he gave me the best massage ever. It was so good that it made other parts of my body ache from the pleasure...Then we left his house to catch another movie..
Tonight we went to see Punch Drunk Love. He drove and made such an impressive effort NOT to drive like an asshole. I enjoyed ridding with him. When we got there I paid because he is broke. Now I am officially broke..I understood the movie, but it seemed to drag on in parts...I want to say that the movie was his idea, but it was all me...
On the drive home from the movie I snapped... I had to do it!
We stopped at 7-11 so he could put more air in his tires. I ran in to buy gum, and gave him a piece. I leaned over at the stoplight and ripped the cigarette out of his mouth before he had a chance to light it and kissed him. I kissed him long and hard and he didn't waste a moment resisting it. It felt so good. I had been wanting to do it for so long.
I wanted to kiss him for all the wrong reasons. I wanted his kiss for my own selfish reason. There were things I tried to tell myself, things to help myself forget about him. I tried to consider the consequences I would face if I indulged in his pleasures....
I told myself I wasn't going to bend, I'm not goanna break, and I'm not going to worry about the consequences tonight.... I'm going to kiss him!! Right now!! I wanted to kiss him to prove that I could kiss him and his kiss would mean nothing. I wanted him to taste like crap, I wanted his kiss to be too annoying, shallow, lazy, bitter, or sloppy.
The kisses.....They were long and much enjoyed. The best! Some of the most passionate kisses of all time. Nothing like I had expected, but all that I had wanted from a kiss. I felt so weak in the knees. I was sitting down dammit. My lips actually felt like fireworks were running through them. I still feel the electricity. I can't say that I have had that tingling feeling before...Was it the cinnamon gum? Or was there something more to his kiss? Damn, it was good! I want it still. I found it so hard to leave, even after kissing for about an hour. It's way past my bed time. I wanted to hold him....I wanted him to hold me....I didn't want to let go, I never wanted to stop. I couldn't stop touching him. The way he left me shaking, I'll be shuddering for days...I wanted to forget about everything and everyone around me....well I did forget. IT was so nice.
People are changing all the time. And I've done this sort of thing before. Accepting a man for his vices and loving him for every second of the things that once annoyed me. Tonight I won't get any sleep. Not even in a quiet room.
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing.....
