2:42 p.m.
Diary~
Lately I just want to turn my ticket in, and get my money back at the door. Stay at home with this disease.... This disease of confusion....
Monkey, Monkey, go do what you see....and get out of my fucking head! Stop haunting me!
I read that guys diary again. I don't know why. Maybe because I was trying to figure out why he came back into my life. Why he ever cared? Pretended to care....Why he needs so much that I can not give....It turns out he's already over it, which is good because I guess It will only help me to clear my head....It helps knowing he REALLY didn't give two shits about me, he never gave a damn. I was right. I kind of sensed it between him and Jr. I sensed that I was just a joke. Like the old memories were bittersweet to him. The memories that I have long forgotten...So this should be easy...
I'm sure I have friends who care for me, but I've got an attitude problem today. I'm angry at the whole world. Questioning the fairness of it all...Life in general. I feel like I am worse off moneywise now that I have this new job. I don't want to go to work at all. I don't want to put on that stupid uniform! I just have a really bad feeling about tonight.
I want to travel away from here again. Even if it's just a camping trip for a couple of days.
I want to think of Heaven. I want to take a piece home with me, like leftovers in a doggy bag. Something I can desplay on my book shelf to remind me that life isn't always this bad.
I don't always get the short straw in a game of straws...I don't always get the paper in a game of rocks, paper scissors...
There are times I have found happiness and bliss...
I only want the same as anyone....And my sunshine is somewhere around the corner...
On a lighter note, It's so hard to stay awake. My body is trembling from my fever. I know I am getting very sick, and I have no energy right now. I took some benadryl because my allergies are worsening today.
I think they are worse from the smoke I was exposed to last night. I might as well live in a bubble...
I wish I could feel like I did last night, and the way I felt when I woke up this morning...
But it's all or nothing... If I can't have him in New Port Richey, I don't want to chase him. I talked to Heidi about him today. She thinks he's great. She sees no problem in the distanceShe said, "I can't believe you waited so damn long! I saw it comming. Everyone at your parties could sense the tension between the two of you"..It seemed like she wanted to say, this IS "Love"...like she knows I've done this sort of thing before....The way I have let it all go with such kindness, regret, and the sorrow that remains...
Nothing is black and white, it's just the shade of gray in between....I'm starting to worry...Telling myself things to try to forget.
I could be talking in my sleep.....
Tossing and turning....
"THINK ABOUT THE CONCEQUENCE!"
I just want to touch him just for a few more seconds.
And then, he fades away and disappears from my mind....
I've got a head full of ping pong intentions and ideas today. I can't focus on anything...There is something I want so badly....Weather it's money to fix my problems or maybe just a few minutes of attention, a phone call from a friend, or a phrase like, "thanks for playing, come again....."
Tonight I'm working with Mercades. I'm hoping it will be a good money night. I hope that no one called in sick...
